Seeking His Face

Since I'll be seeking His face in China this next year, I need to create a new blog that's less blatantly worshipful.

Please continue to read my new blog:

http://AbramsInChina.blogspot.com

Some other info:

Snail Mail:

Hua Qiao Foreign Languages Institute

ATTN: Abram Goff

No. 365-8 Jing Yue Street

Changchun, Jilin 130117

People’s Republic of China

Twitter:

AbramInChina

Skype:

abramgoff

What is it to seek Love's face?

Not just Your hands, not just Your trail, but Your very face.

I want to look into Your eyes and see the depths of your endless soul.

Galaxies were sparked from the gleam of Your eye.

Hearts stand still at the sound of Your voice.

I run at the pursuit of knowing you.

I leave it all behind, it hurts to see deep in my heart.

But engulfing my heart, is this Love that I am seeking.

Because

Love is not unmoving.

Love is not unconsuming.

Love is not comfortable.

Love is not uninvasive.

Love is not predictable.

Love is not logical

But

the face of Love

is unlike anything we have ever seen.

stops your heart, then gives it a reason to start again.

brings tears, fears, and pain to the surface - then carries the weight with his own tear.

is beautiful.

Serving Him.

Serving God

is being a missionary wherever you go.

Making his love tangible, then telling the story of how.

being a missionary

is not directly going to a third world country

and living in a hut with no water or electric.

This is the cultural idea of missionary.

Being a missionary

is living an intentional life focused on eternal things.

taking His love and message to those who don't know.

Yes, this means the arms of the broken, the poor, and the needy,

but not limited to those.

The heart broken have many faces, skin tones, accents, backgrounds, income levels, ideals,

but one thing is the same across the board.

Their heartbreak is noted in the lack of God, and they need to know about Jesus.

What if we all just focused on him a little more.

what would happen then?

If we all just gazed at him.

the world would change.

The Crest of the Wave

The tide is growing.
Far above my head.
Will you let me drown?
You won’t let me drown.
Waiting for the wave to crash down.
It’s about to crash.
Evelope me in a rush of unexpected love.
Not necessarily the pleasant love.
The invasive, self-destructive love.
It tears apart your understanding and
Everything that stops you from experiencing.
Tossed to and fro in a whirlwind of uncertainties.

I’m about to lose my grip.
I’m about to lose it all.
I’m about to question everything I knew for certain.
I’m about to be lost so much deeper than before.

I’m about to be held.
I’m about to find what it is I’ve been looking for.
I’m about to know the truth in my bones.
I’m about to be so concealed in His heart that no one will find the old me.

So.
Let it rain on me.
Let it swallow me.
Toss me to and fro because
Happier in a hurricane of you,
Than on a sun shining shore without.
I do not know where I’ll end up.
But I know that you will be there.
And by your hand I will be.
By your hands I am.

I’m taking a deep breath.
Closing my eyes.
Hold me close.
Help me be.

I got your back!

As Israel would go off to war, God told them “Do not be afraid of them, because the Lord your God… will be with you.” They are possibly marching off to their death. Fighting against enemies, horses, chariots and “an army greater than yours.” –Deut 20:1-4 But as they head off he says do not be afraid. I am going with you. God’s saying, “Take a breath. I got this.” God has always said, “I got your back.” Shoot. “I got your front too, I’m leading this pack.” You need your best warriors up front. “I got your back, I’m leading the pack, don’t worry Jack it’s time to attack.”

The commander steps up in front of the army and says if you just built a house, planted a garden, got engaged, and have yet to enjoy the end result of that, go home and enjoy. If you are scared and weak with fear, head out so it doesn’t pass on.

Man. I get scared a lot. Every time I speak in front of people I get nervous and think of what could go wrong. Every time I try to follow God, I start walking then realize what he just said would happen, and I usually need a bathroom break. I worry about things al the time and am scared a lot of times. . Scared of heights, disappointing people, and sometimes of the dark (or perhaps more of the creativity in my head tells me what is in the dark or could be coming out of the dark.) I don’t really want to die. I’m ok with it, I’m looking forward to the after party, but not something I am in pursuit of. So, if the arm was made of men like me, they probably would have all left. But obviously, they didn’t because they knew that God was the supreme power. God could knock out an army with a breath. That they could walk up and yell and God could kill them all. They knew not how but that God was in complete control, and that he was leading the way, and that he had their back.

FOR THE FEARFUL: If anyone thinks I’m bold or daring, I’m not. Appreciate the thought, but not really. I freak out and am afraid, but God reminds me who he is and how invested he is and then we go. I try not to let any fears stop me from doing anything. He told Joshua, “Be strong and courageous” 3 times in the same monologue. Repetition aids learning. Courage is not the absence of ear but the presence of fear with action overcoming it. Mark Twain said “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” (see- quoting someone famous always aids your case) So God is telling Joshua, “Strap up. I know your afraid but act in spite of your fears.” God knows we’re afraid. He doesn’t condemn us for it, he just calls us not to be bound by them.

You know that what he says more times than “be strong and courageous”? “Fear not.” He tells us not to be afraid 365 times in the Bible. So maybe instead of realizing our fears then acting in spite of them, we realize God in the situation first, then apply ourselves to the situation. I think many times we forget God in the situation, we forget who exactly he is and what he’s doing there. One of the most beautiful examples and the most perfect perspectives is David.

D. vs. G. – 1 Samuel 17 – Game time.
Look at David. Puny little fella. Sheppard. No formal training, and he walks up on the scene wehre thousand of soldiers are staring at this one man who is mocking THE GOD. Not "a god," but "THE GOD." "a god" means either a human with an ego or a piece of metal/rock. Talking about an actual God, THE GOD who has power to DO SOMETHING. Something out of our of our control and power. It just so happens that this REAL God is in complete control. Has complete power. Is not made fun of lightly. David walks up and says, “Who is this uncircumcised Philistine, who he should defy the armies of the living God.” – 1 Samuel 17:26. David shows up and says, “What? Who does this guy think he is?! He’s making fun of You, God? Oh, heck yeah, we’ll take care of him!” When people ask him what he ewas doing or worriying, David says, “Seriously? He’s making fun of God. God’s probably just itching to take care of him and all ya’ll are too scared to do anything about it. Pssh, God’s got this!” God’s waiting on someone to step up. So David walks out there (with about as little as possible), calls Goliath out on his comments, then says, this butt-whoopin is coming from the Living God you just made fun of. Today, everyone’s going to know Him. So David does not coward in fear, Goliath starts towards him and David runs toward Goliath. Slingshot. God does work. Goliath goes down. David cuts off Goliaths head.

THAT is God having things. That is the right perspective we should have. I wish I had more. That God is heavily invested in this and that he is the one in control. He’s never broken an promise. Ever. Walk in that. When he says go, rock on and roll out. Let’s go. God’s got this. He’s got your back. He’s got your front. He is the one doing the work. He is the one getting the glory. It’s about him. We get to follow Him. Let us follow hard in the wake of THE GOD.

Pawn Shop

First off, I know that all pawn shops aren't bad. I know that a lot of them are good. I've watched Pawn Stars on the Discovery Channel with my brother many times. So don't get me wrong.

At a pawn shop you take in your valuables or what someone else thinks is valuable and you sell it so that you can get some cash. Sometimes it's something that you really love, something that's really important to you, that it breaks your heart to have to give up, but you're just in desperate need and you need the cash for whatever reason. Hospital bills, mortgage, bills, car repairs, food, whatever the case is you just need the money. You walk in grasping it tightly, not wanting to make the deal. You probably have to sell it for a lot less than what it's worth. A little guilt ridden as you walk out, but knowing it has to be done.

Redeem- to buy back.

Jesus is called the redeemer, the great redeemer, the future redeemer, the redeemer of nations. Essentially, what this means is after we've walked out of the world, after selling and giving away our most valuable possessions, (our heart, our virginity, our love, our temper, our time, our minds, our lives, our souls), and after we've given it away at a much lower price than deserved for it, we walked out and spent what little bit we did have. Jesus met us in the parking lot, he met us in our home, he met us at our work, he met us at the bank, he met us wherever we were and said "let's go get it back." He doesn't accept the answer that we don't have enough money, or really any money to even put forward to it. He walks into the store, into the world, and from his hands, he pays more than three times what our valuables were originally worth. He bought back our lives and every aspect of them when we had nothing. He has redeemed us with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgement; ex 6;6 He gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Titus 2:14

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. - 1 Peter 2: 17-18

Jesus?

What do you think about Jesus?

No, not what do you think about church. Or what you think about other Christians.
Not, what do you think about religion, but what do you think about Jesus?

Separate what you may have heard or thought about the whole religion or Christianity, and just stop and think about Jesus himself. What do you think about the man who walked on the earth, taught with power and authority, healed the sick, raised the dead, offered the God-only power of forgiveness for all wrongs, took such a drastic beating that you deserved, then died of a broken heart, was raised back to life, now sits beside the ultimate power of God and stands up and fights for those on his side.

Yeah, what do you think about that guy?



Ultimately, the end question: are you gonna let your own, or someone else's religion going to stop you from following him?

Random Thoughts

Random thoughts I've heard and wanted to share.


The Christian life is not a journey to God, it's a journey with God.

Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone.

It's not what you're saved from, it's about what your saved for.

A Christian leader is not one who proclaims himself as such. It's usually one who doesn't even know it. It's someone whose trying to be a following and is following after God and then occasionally turns around and sees other people following him.

I'm not letting you go,
I'm just giving you back to Him.

The mission of God - Follow Me.

When He looks at me, he can't see me clear,
because he looks at me through blood stained tears. - Reggie Dabbs

You Are Good

You,
You are good for the sunshine,
You are good for the rain,
You are good for this life, that's now filled with pain.
You are good for the days I have no complaints,
You are good for the broken chains and constraints.
You are good for Your love and all of it's ways.
You are good for expressing it each of my days.
You are good for the righteousness you've given to me.
You are good for the price paid so it can be free
You are good for the breath that fills up my lungs
You are good for speaking all tribal tongues
You are good for the hair on my head.
You are good for the sleep I got in my bed.
You are good for the feeling in my toes.
You are good for understanding each of my woes.
You are good for the blood that flows in my heart
You are good for the hurt when we are apart.

(Please add your own lines in here and add them as a comment if you would like.)

You are good despite what I say.
You are good for your absolute way.
You are good.
Good.

Practice What You Preach

It's practice what you preach,
not preach what you practice.

Sometimes you have to preach what you have to practice.
you can't wait till you practice it to preach it.
you preach what needs to be practiced,
then you have to live up to what you just preached.

Every week after teaching, the words that God spoke through you,
will come back around and God will give you a chance to live it out.

You can't wait until you are practicing before you preach it.
Ultimately, between the time you hear it and the time you preach it,
you should start practicing or work towards it.

So lets go. Shut up and start walking what we should be talking.

Creation Brainstorming...

I wanna know the conversation between God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit before time began. Just to sit in on that.

I know God is a complete genius and knows everything, but do you think he planned? I wanna say he planned. I mean there are things that are so intricate that needed planning. Not only the intricacy of things, but also how things relate and tie into each other and feed off each other. You can look at the big things like the the main objects on earth, humans, dirt, trees, and water. What humans expel (carbon dioxide) is the same thing that trees need to live. What trees expel as a bi-product (oxygen) is the same thing that humans need to live. 60% of the human body is made up of water - 70% of the world is covered in water. Humans were made from dirt, and when humans die, they turn back into dirt. The dirt, along with the water, gives nutrients and life to the trees which supply food and air for the humans. Isn't this kinda a fun cycle? (Sorry for those of you who just got carsick trying to follow that.)

Now that's the big obvious things about the physical world. Look at the history of the world: we'll use the Bible as a history book for a moment. There were over 300 prophesies or prior predictions that a man would come and fulfill all of these. The man showed up named Jesus and fulfilled all of the predictions. I think that took some planning ahead of time to call out all of those shots. That at just the right moment in human history, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together that he could fulfill those. That's some good timing, and some planning.


But I want to sit in on this planning meeting. This brainstorming session. Was there any ideas that got scrapped? Probably not sense they were always right. Maybe the angels gathered around as they started laying out the blue prints and leaning over shoulders to try and get a peak at what was about to happen. Gabriel calling over Michael to check out this idea the three had just shared called, "pine trees", and another angel snickering when they announced how farting would help relieve internal gas build up created by the digestion process. Maybe one angel just runs over and puts his ear up to another angels belly to listen for a digestion process, then with a question on his face looks back at Jesus and says, "wait, so how was that gonna work again?"

But no seriously, to sit in and listen to them create waterfalls and porcupines, funnel cakes and nano-technology, the light spectrum and the sonic boom. As pure extravagant creativity flowed among them, out of them, into these plans for creation, all of heaven must have gathered around to see. Then... the grand finale. The 3 look at each other and smile, then look around at all the angels eagerly waiting in anticipation. How can you top off the digestion-process of a grizzly bear? or the majesty of when this ball of burning hydrogen atoms hits the horizon, how a small section of the light spectrum is blasted across the sky? Is it possible to top this?!

Then they begin to reveal the plans for the newest creation, the pinnacle of everything they've made. They've saved it in. They go around the circle, The Father starts and explains part of it, then Jesus explains a little more, then the Holy Spirit explains more. Round and around they go more and more excited as they just begin to reveal their plans to the angels. The angels stand with eyes plastered opened and mouths gapped. They applaud with praises of "Holy, Holy, Holy." It seems to be the only word that begins to describe such a beautiful phase. A background of praise grows as they explain the digestive system and how the neurons of the eye connect to the brain and send pulses to interpret. They explain how the minds will be able to think and learn, to create and make this new thing they just invented called music. That all of these things made possible because they have a much simpler version of the Brain of the Father. The angels rejoice as such a miraculous invention as free will and the power of a choice. It seems phenomenal.

Then the conversation takes a downturn as the Father continues to explain how they will use this freedom of choice. The angel's face turn into pain and repulsion, disgust and not understanding. "But how could they?" they ask. "After all that you've just made, after this amazing presence flowing from them, after You being everything that is good, how could they leave that?" Angels step back nauseated at the sound of what the humans would dare to do. Saddened yet amazed at how far they could run away, how they could deny the existence, how they would use creativity to make up pieces of different materials into the shape of animals and other things to give them credit, how they would know the right they should do, but chose to go the other way. "This isn't' right! This can't be!" God nods his head. "But you won't be able to be with them?!" one making the statement that hadn't occurred to the other angels. They gasp. Eyes even wider than before, holding their breathe. The pain swept over them. "That's right," God replies. "What will you do?" the angels question. "Scrap it? Change it? Remove the free choice? Get rid of it all?"

He smiles, "For my love is far too great to be separated from them forever." The angels all wide eyed leaning in feeling the warmth of the essence of Love emanating from the throne. "Jesus will go." The angels step back in shock and look at Jesus. "He will die in their place." Jesus nods in agree-ance. Waves of Love rippling away from the throne like_______ waves pulsating through the angels bodies. They drop to their knees and just cry "Holy, Holy, Holy." The only word ever good enough. "Holy, Holy, Holy" they repeat over and over. "Holy, Holy, Holy." It never seems to be enough. "Holy, Holy, Holy". The best word invented just for this purpose still cannot capture it. "Holy, Holy, Holy."

The sharpest and most intense pain rings throughout the heavens, but is overwhelmed by a greater Love. They cannot fathom, but it makes perfect sense. How can it be that the King of Glory, would go live among them. Not even as the supreme ruler of the world having Kings report to Him at the very sound of his name, but instead live among the poorest. A near insult for anyone to just suggest, yet he does it. He struggles with them, de-robeing himself of his powers to struggle along side them. He remains sinless. Then after blessings and miracles have been poured onto him, God raises him up like a prized sheep for all to see, spotless. He leads him off of the pedestal and walks him into the slaughter house. He dies. He's brutally beaten and murdered. Don't they know who he is? Don't you know what he's given you? What he's made for you? That he's made YOU. "This is NO treatment for the KING!" the angels cry out, "How could they?!" The angel's listen as He describes taking Jesus lifeless body from the cross and hiding it in a grave. He describes the battle Jesus has in Hell and how He will raise Him from the dead 3 days after. The angels clap with joy. He describes how Jesus will reappear to many and many will see and believe. Then that God would bring Jesus back into the realms of Heaven to rejoin Him and prepare a new place. Many will see and believe, but many more will hear and believe. They will turn and repent, accepting the cross and being reunited with their maker. Then, the Father will send the Spirit to help them, to call them to Him, to guide them, to help them walk in His ways. They angels jump in celebration. Dancing and shouting "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Father, "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Son, "Holy, Holy, Holy" to the Spirit. "Holy, Holy, Holy" over and over they cry out. A celebration like none ever before.

God, Jesus, and Spirit turn and smile at each other. Excitement fills the air. "Let's do this." They turn, and God created the heavens and the earth...



"For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake." - 1 Peter 1:18- 20

"Now my heart is troubled, and what shall I say? Father, save me from this hour? No, it was for this very reason I came to this hour. Father, glorify your name!" Then a voice came from heaven, "I have glorified it, and will glorify it again."- John 12:27-28

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God, He was with God i the beginning. Through him all things were made, without him nothing was made that has been made." John 1:1-3

Desperate Confidence - Amendment

This is based off of the previous entry, which you may need to scroll down and read first then come back to this one.

I started thinking. This isn't just the way we should pray. This is the way we should live.
I don't know if it's because in America we have such a hard time coming to a conscious acknowledgment that everything we do is dependent on God because we have so many blessings around us, or maybe it's something else. Maybe it's that in America, we live in our comfort too much. It's not that it's too hard, but it's that we're too complacent. We're too self-sustaining.

Think I'm wrong?
When's the last time you did something that you had to depend on God to come through, otherwise you were screwed?
Hopefully, you can say this morning, or yesterday, or currently. But I have a feeling for too many of us, we miss opportunities and we sit comfortably by while we miss out on the God of the universe living and acting around us. We sit back oblivious in our comfort.

In what way are you depending on God today?

Desperate Confidence

Jeremiah 29:13 says we'll find Him when we seek him with all our heart. I think another way to put that is to seek Him with desperation.

Maybe that's what we're missing in our prayer life. . . desperation. Confident desperation. Completely depending on God and confident he is who he says he is.

The prayers that God loves to answer are the desperate ones. Where we come with the right state of mind and admit, "I can't do this on my own. Nothing I have can do this by itself." No medicine. No planning. no special steps to take. No fancy words, but just a broken and contrive heart. Finally in reverence and awe of who we are and who He is. It's not pre-scripted or sold or conjured up. It's a broken heart given by God to finally see our proper position.

I used to ask for revelations as to why this was happening or what I could do to fix it. I received many revelations and much wisdom but it only seemed to feed the issue, my starving soul, long enough to get by. They always seemed to b things I could do better on, things to do or to cut out. Lots of things that I could do, which futher promoted my independent living style for God.

I was doing everything I knew how to do.
Trying to pray.
Trying to read my bible.
Trying to get involved more in church and other people's lives.
Trying to encourage them.
Trying to wait patiently.
Trying to prepare.
Trying to stop trying so much.
Trying to hold it together and trying to let go of whatever it was I was holding onto.
Trying to make things right between you and me.
Trying to just do something right.
Trying to have a vision for what's coming up next.
Trying to give it to you and trying to be okay with that.
Trying to get back on track, and
Trying to just let it be right.

Then after months of this striving and pain, God reveal it to me as it's my dependence on myself. My lack of knowledge of who it was that was with me. Who it was that I serve. Who it was I was asking. Really? Did I forget who God was? Or did I just make it about me? That's the part of the problem, back at the beginning I said it. I was doing what I could for God, and not by God. How much of our life do we try to do for God, we try our hardest, but how the good news kinda gets going is by the fact that we can't do it on our own. But somehow once, we're saved we want to give it back and we get caught trying to surprise God with our gifts. There's no surprise parties for God. But the key is that we can't do it without Him.

So much of times in ministry we try to figure out the best way we can do it, what we need to learn more of, or the culture to learn, or the religion to learn. But lets face it, break it down into confident desperate prayer. If we break down before God and honestly desperately admit that we can't do it, we don't know enough, but we realize the fact that God is greater than any religion, any culture, any teaching, any language barrier, that God loves greater than any differences and any lies, and that he can break through any of these things to let someone knows how much he loves them. Then we should desperately ask God to fulfill this promise, to prove who he is, to enflame the desire in their heart that they already have been made with (to know their creator). Then we confidently walk in that fact. The fact that God loves them more than we do, has more invested in their salvation than we do, and has the ability to work things out in a ridiculous way much more than we do. We count on it and we confidently go with it. Knowing that somehow, (we might not and probably don't know how, yet or ever) that this will happen, but somehow it will happen and doors will be opened and hearts will be changed as we follow him.

Jesus said, "With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God" - Mark 10:27

At War with the Wasps

I walked out my front door and down the ramp infront of our house toward the motorcycle, I was headed over town to read a little bit at the park before supper. At the bottom of the ramp something caught my eye, a black spec came and attached itself to my leg and WAM! The wasp stuck it's stinger into my calf muscle. I grited me teeth and growled as I hobbled off swatting the side of my calf to get him off. I staggered over to the far side of the carport to check the damage and assess the situation. It was true, I had got stung by a wasp. What the crap? I wasn't doing anything wrong, nothing to bother it, just walked by it for the first time.

Just then Mom pulled in the driveway. I took some of the groceries and started telling her the story of how I just got stung. As she walked back up the ramp, myself following a sworm of them came out. I won't lie, I yelped a little like a little girl as I got stung 3 more times. I yelled to mom to just go, nearly tackling her up the ramp to push her ahead. "Go Go Go" I yelled, for Mom is allergic to bee stings. I hunched over up by the door and started counting the places where needle-like stinging was occurring. I got Mom in the door then it was game on.

You can only get stung by a wasps so many times before you wage war. Apparently, my number is 4. I armed myself with two fly-swatters from the kitchen and marched back out the front door on the war rampage. It was game time. It occurred to me that the vibrations of walking down the wooden ramp shook them loose and started the attack. I approached slowly, then pounded the next three steps on ramp, jumping down to the bottom both arms flailing like a trained ninja. Of which, I am not. One. Two. Three went down as I stepped back to reassess the enemies strong holding. Four. Five went down as I my eyes caught their movement.

I found their nest underneath the left hand guardrail. Two wasps still conniving as they crawled around the hive. Like a windmill of rapid fire flyswatters I was in there. Two more flew out and we began our dance of flying, swatting, dodging each other, and them going down. I knew one thing, I was bigger. I was faster, I was ticked and I had a much better chance of either hitting them or messing with the air around them so that their flight would be hindered and my foot would meet their landing on the ground. I dropped the hive to the ground and smashed it like a steamroller as I snapped one flyswatter in two and 3 swats later I broke the end of the other off. I quickly retrieved it and temporarily retreated to safety while I performed maintenance on my weapon, I put it back together and back into the war I went. I began the hunt for any other nests that could possibly harbor the enemy to my family. I was not about to let them get my family. I was on the war path. Two more wasps out and down. 3 Nests found and destroyed. I jumped the railing to chase one coward down. He met his maker, my swatter, and my foot.

I went back inside for a few minutes as all but two of the wasps were dead. The other two left like two fighter pilots escaping to plan their re-attack. As I went back outside, ignoring the throbbing and stinging of the pain in my legs from the attacks, I crouched down scouting out my opponent. One stomp on the edge of the ramp to trip their position and begin their attack, one came out. Like a crouching tiger and a hidden dragon I sprung forth whapping the wasp as I flew through the air. A quick land and spin move, afforded me the sight to see the last of the Mohicans on a bee-line towards me (pun intended). The sword was out and we were dancing two swats then he went off into the field. I chased him off. But retreat by the enemy is not victory. Death is the only victory, for he will always come back.

I walked down to get the mail and as I closed the lid, the sound of a fly by occurred, I ducked and swatted at the same time. No luck yet.

As I was fighting this off, I realizing that this is the battle against sin. It comes and attacks you whenever you are doing nothing to provoke it sometimes. In fact, I was going to read my Bible and out of the blue, the attack occurred. Frustrated I blew it off, but the next time there was multiple attacks. My pain was overcome by the concern for my mom, my family. Hurt me, yes. Hurt my family, Heck no. It war. Forgetting the pain caused by the sin, I overcame it and went on the warpath against this sin. I approached it quietly, drew it out and then attacked with everything in me. I knew I was bigger just like we know our God is bigger. Our God is greater and we do not have to take this. We will not be bullied out of where we are meant to be due to some sin in our life. I was not about to allow some little punk wasps stop me or my family from using our front door. I went on the hunt. Single-minded and forgetting everything else, I was on the hunt for anything that could and would damage my family. Why do I not do this with sin? Go on the hunt for it, not just fight it if it starts to bother me but in a mad furious rush attacking anything that could possibly do damage. Thwarting the opportunities for pain, not only did I kill the wasps themselves but I demolished where they stayed. No nests for sin will be staying around, not only the sin itself but anything that might allow that sin to make a home here again. Not only the first nest I found, but every nest in the area. Not just the one sin that has hurt us before in the past, but any possibly linked sin, any sin we find we demolish.

I was furious, not just chasing them off but killing them all. Retreat by the enemy is not the answer, death is the only victory for he will always come back. "Put to death all" Do not make them retreat, do not knock them out, do not put them to sleep, do not smack them down and let them squirm on the floor with the possibility to get up again. Smack them down, Stomp on them. Stomp multiple times. Hammer them down. Kill them. Put them to death so that he cannot come back to this place with more of his friends. Claim victory over him by the cross.

There is one who is left. One still out there. I chased him out into the yard then he flew into the meadow. I'm going back after him because I'm not satisfied with 11 of them dead. I'm not satisfied with the nests gone. I want every last wasp dead. This is purity. This is safety. This is protection for my family and this is putting everything that comes between me and God or God and my family to death because I will not live in fear. I will not live in panic. I will not live in unnecessary pain. I will not live hindered from what I want to do. I am free and I am at war.

Tombstone

I ain't playin' the role of some defeated worn out anymore.
Cause that makes it about me and what I do.
It's time to get up, strap up, get back to war.

Who can stop us?
I ask you this:
if God is the ultimate. The source of power.
if He created everything, life, power, love, air, function, music, buildings, mountains
and has the power to take any of them away.
I laugh that you think the creation can overtake the creator.
My God cannot be stopped. He cannot be ceased.
So then I ask you if this GOD is with us. Who can be against us?!
I'm nothing big. I'll name drop. the God of the universe is on my side.
The God of all time. The God who ruled before he invented the time.
The God who didn't even spare his own Son, but gave him for us.
How will he not give us all things. Who will challenge this?
Who will challenge the judge who has never been wrong?
Who will dare to attempt to separate us from His love and power?
Even death runs and hides. Even time itself, the present and the future submits.
Angels and demons worship and shutter at his presence.
So I ask you who could separate us?
We are more than conquerors through him who loved us. (Romans 8:31-39)

So why I say this is because I'm tired of this habitual load of crap sin.
Tired of this continual temptation that seems to make sense at the time.
It seems to be overwhelming that I can't walk away from.
But you forget what the Word says?!
That no temptation comes that I cannot stand,
if not then he's given me a way out and I don't have to deal with it. (1 Corinth 10:13)

Tired of Satan telling me that I'll never over come this.
That it's something I have to deal with my whole life.
Thats crap. Thats a load of lies.
My sword reads this that the One before me
has disarmed the powers and authorities of darkness.
Not only that but made a public spectacle of them
Standing in triumph over them with the cross. His whooping stick. (Col 2:15)

To say, I'll always deal with it is making a mockery of his power.
I believe, and I know he has the power to overcome everything.
If he can split a sea like a paperback book, he can do this.
If he can kill a fig tree and bring to life a dead man by speaking to it.
Why can he not speak to the one he has already defeated and stop it.

To say, I'll always deal with it isn't putting death to sin (Col 3:15)
It's subduing it, leaving it on life support.
Waiting and allowing it to flare up again.
I'm pulling the plug, starving it from any energy or life.
I wanna watch it die, suffocate, wither away, every last piece of sin.
Cause my Savior has power,
That means here and now I claim Christ's power.
I claim the same Jesus that conquered sin once and for all.
That this temptation has no hold on me.
Today, there is a tombstone where so much pain has made it's home.
There's a tombstone where God came and Satan was defeated.

From now on, every-time Satan comes near and starts poking temptation my way.
I'll turn and point to the tombstone.
Reminding him, that I have been freed from Sin.
Because my Jesus has freed me from this continual rule of sin. (Romans 8:2)
I cannot claim anything I've done,
because what I've done is what caused the pain.
But what He's done, is what has freed the captives,
what has healed the broken, what has killed the deadly.
It's only by his power will this die,
so I pray that he slaughters my desire for sin.
That it would not be left withering,
the only remnants would left is the tombstone.
It's amazing the shape of this tombstone.
That every-time I turn to point at it.
To see the only thing that stops Satan in his tracks. That catches him up.
To see what I can always turn and look at.
To see the sight thats never grows old.
To see where pain once was and now freedom flows.
The only thing I want to look at.
The cross.

Bold

The people in the bible lived so boldly. I don't want to say bible characters because that seems like their made up and fictional characters. But the people who lived radically enough that they made it into the Bible. I've noticed really no one in there is moderate, and just an average living person. There were lots of average people who stepped out and followed something bold, did something bold, but no one lived average. Either they went big and did good, or they went big and fought against good. No one just got by and made it into the Bible.

So I begin to wonder, would how I live make it into the Bible?

I know it's not something to shoot for, but am I sold out enough and being bold enough that I might be considered even that something God did in my life might teach other's his character and how he works? I would hope so, but I doubt it.

Something that caught my attention today was premeditated murder. It happened a lot in the Bible. Specifically, looking at the New Testament. I was reading in Acts 14 v5 and it read that there was a plot to mistreat and stone Paul and Barnabas. They wanted to kill them! Just because they were talking about Jesus (I just say just because but this man was splitting their culture, their religion, their city, their families, their life in two.) So anyways they found out about it and fled somewhere else... "where they continued to preach the good news." v7 These guys wouldn't shut up! I mean this was pretty much a common weekly thing is getting threatened to be killed. Peter was thrown in jail, not killed... yet. In the same chapter (acts 9) that Paul accepts who Jesus really is and stops killing Christians himself, he turns around and is almost killed twice by two different places. He gets lowered out of a basket from a city wall, then goes down the road a bit and keeps talking about Jesus and almost gets killed there too. I mean shoot the last 8 chapters of Acts are a chase scene with people trying to hunt down and kill Paul, while God keeps Paul's butt clean and keeps taking him to more and more places, and Paul just keeps talking about Jesus with everyone he runs into making more believers and more enemies.

I mean what did you expect? Jesus said, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first." John 15:18. Jesus pretty much is like, Yeah, welcome to the party. It's nothing new, he gave them a heads up in John 16 "All this I have told you so that you will not go astray. (be warned) They will put you out of the synagogue,; in fact, a time is coming when anyone who kills you will think he is offering a service to God. (Pretty much Paul here to a T.) They will do such things because they have not known the Father or me. I have told you this , so that when the time comes you will remember that I warned you. I did not tell you this at first because I was with you." I mean they can't be too surprised. He tells him this at the last supper, right before the plot thats been brewing to kill him gets carried out. Obviously, the events that follow this probably overshadowed and overwhelmed their memories to remember this. But sometimes I forget that this wasn't the only time they tried to kill him.

Earlier in John 5:16 the Jews persecute him for breaking the sabbath and healing on it. Then in verse 18, after he says that God is his father they tried even harder to kill him. In John 7:30 they tried to seize him after he was teaching and explaining he's from God, but they couldn't touch him. Then John 8: 59 They try to stone him when he tells them he's older than Abraham and he's eternal but "Jesus hid himself, slipping away from the temple ground" Again in John 10: 31 & 39, they tried to stone him and seize him but "he escaped their grasp." So we often get caught in they planned on killing him once and then finally did, but really they tried many times but had to come up with a large scheme to do it. Premeditated definitely. Plus, it also shows that Jesus gave his life for us, that no one took it. I mean two different times they bent down to pick up stones to kill him and when they looked up he was gone. They tried to kill Jesus many times, so it makes since if we should share in his sufferings as to why they would go onto try and kill his disciples later for it.

SIDE NOTE: They also tried to kill Lazarus, which I just think is funny. John 12: 10 "So the chief of priests made plans to kill Lazarus as well." Isn't that kinda self defeating. I mean, yeah, it might work for a bit, but think about it. "Hey, lets kill the guy that Jesus brought back from the dead. That way he's dead...again. But this time he'll be dead dead. We'll show him!" Good call Einstein. He's brought him back to life once, what will stop him from doing it again? Matt Kelly suggested Lazarus trash talking the religious folk. I can see that, "Yeah, Yeah. What you gonna do? Kill me? Pssh. Been there, done that, got a t-shirt... ur. well, grave clothes." But you get the picture of their extreme acts towards anything that would promote Christ.

So back to living boldly. I wonder what our excuse is? What's our reasoning not to? I mean these guys who God changed the world with were sold out. Do we not want to have an impact for Christ? These guys were willing and some did give their lives for it. Shoot, they thought they killed Paul by stoning him and left him there, but he ended up living and the first thing he did was go back into the city that just tried to kill him.

Nobody's every tried to kill me because I talk about Jesus. No body has even ever hit me because of it. No kick and no punch. They may have given me a weird look, or ignored me. They may have refused to invite me to places, or they've said something bad about me. That is what's stopping me. I've never had a loaded gun pointed at me like they did. Yet they still talked more about God than I do. I just wonder what's stopping us. Do we desire to just live in mediocrity? Desire to just fit in with everyone? Is our goal in life to just get by? Or do we want to have an impact? I thank God no one has tried to kill me yet. But I want to be bold like they were bold. Letting nothing stop me from telling the truth. ha. Isn't that what we're taught, always tell the truth. Even in elementary school they were telling us to be missionaries. I want to be bold. I want people to see You in me. I want it to be all about you and never about me. So help me be what it is that brings you glory.

In the Image

So Genesis 9, Noah just gets off the boat and God's giving them the rundown of how things are going to happen. Chapter 9 Verses 4-6 Say:

"But you must not eat meat that has its lifeblood still in it. And for your lifeblood I will surely demand an accounting. I will demand an accounting from every animal. And from each man, too, I will demand an accounting for the life of his fellow man.

"Whoever sheds the blood of man,
by man shall his blood be shed;
for in the image of God
has God made man."


He specifies that it's wrong to kill humans because we're made in God's image.

My footnote adds that "all people possess the qualities that distinguish them from animals: morality, reason, creativity, and self-worth."

Self-worth... It seems to be one of the biggest things that Christians struggle with is our self-worth. I wonder if it's because we define what it is by other things. Essentially, we define many things by the way "the world" does.


(side note: we talk alot about "the world" and how they do things, but really what I think it is that we're saying is that we're using the same reasoning as if we didn't believe there is a God. We're taking the same basic human-powered logic that they are. We're taking ultimately the hopelessness approach. If there were no God, then we would only have at best 100 years to our existence. We would have to try to push ahead to just be happy here and now. If things weren't perfect in our job, family, education we would have to push ahead. When things looked down, something goes wrong, someone is terminally ill, where would you turn? You would just have to hope that human effort would be enough. That somehow either you or I, or some random person could do something that would cause something to change enough to free us from our situation.

But we do believe there is a God. We do believe that God is in control and all powerful. We believe that he is not defined by human logic or constrained by it. We believe that ultimately he is good and that he is Holy, and nothing he does would go against this/His character. So in saying all of this we have hope in every situation, when houses burn down, when dad's are abusive, when we caught in depression, when we're caught in a foreign country in jail, when the cancer has come back and doctors don't know what to do, when our bad habits get us caught in the same place over and over again, when there's too much to do in a day, when nothing we do seems to be good enough, when the harder we try the less things seem to go right, - it's things like this that we know human strength and logic fails. That we know there is a God because we've seen him do the impossible. When human ability gave out and gave up, then suddenly the situation turns around, we know that there's a God.

So pretty much as a result of this side note rant: when we do things the way the world does, we're taking the hopeless approach. We're taking the results based off of human strength, logic, and ability, and forgetting that there is someone much bigger than us controlling things. )

After that really long side note, (which is probably the point of why God lead me down this side tangent road), I kept thinking about how we define our self-worth. I mean God says he created us in his image, and we best not be killing any body because we're killing the image of Him. I mean we were meant to be His, His children, His people, His loved ones, His bride. I've obviously never been a bride, but in the relationships I have been, how sweet has it been to be taken care of and loved by someone. I mean not even romantic relationships but just friendship relationships. When you know someone's got your back no matter what. I know how I've wanted to be able to treat some people like they were a princess (I usually fail at that, or get yelled at for it), but to know that passion and care that you have for someone that God has that for us, for me, for you. And that he has the ability to fulfill it. And he gets yelled at all the time for taking care of people because he won't let them do what they want or his love is too much for him, but he doesn't stop. He won't relent.

I just wonder how much lack of self-worth comes from us trying to find it in every other place. I mean the very fact that we're made in the image of God and because of that God has set up rules how to treat each other puts us pretty high up there.

I think part of the issue is when we get down or start believing lies or just focus on us more than him, then I start comparing myself to others. "Yeah, well we're all made in the image of Christ, but how does that make me any more special. I'm just like everyone else." I wonder "What I have to contribute? What could I do that someone else can't. What's my purpose in this situation? What is it that I can do that someone else can't, what's my impact and why am I in this situation?" But again, I guess this focuses on me and what I can do. It's not focusing on God and what He's doing. It makes me think that I'm doing it by my power. I don't realize that whenever something happens using me, that's it's all God doing the work and not me. So in that facet I guess the struggle with self worth comes from the over focus on SELF rather than the self we we're created after.

I think in other ways, we're just still comparing the two separate works of art. What people know or understand is one thing, so we push forward to gain what someone who has power has said is good/or pretty. Someone who has temporary power (pop star, politician, musician, news reporter) but miss the flow of absolute power and what He says. When he says, "I created you with perfect looks, perfect talents, the perfect abilities, the perfect strengths and weaknesses for what your life's purpose is." and we probably come back with "Yeah, well, I won't want to have to wait that long to see. I'm not patient enough. I want to feel better, know why, be better now." I mean, ultimately, that's what we're saying.

So in the end. Well, the end for today, I think it kinda comes down to the fact we get caught looking at us rather than Him. That we're made in the image of God. That means he comes first, and when we get done gazing at him we can look at ourself (if that ever happens). Also, I think we focus too much on what we're doing and not what God is doing in the situation or in our lives or in our "abilities." These are two actions I see, I think the problem/heart behind it is the fact that we just don't understand what God thinks about us. We don't understand how much he loves us. That he is obsessively, overly passionate about us. I could go on a long time about how much he loves us, but I think I've written enough or too much already, so I'll just end this with two songs.

"Sea of Faces" by Kutless - (from the bridge)

"If only my one heart
Was all you'd gain from all it cost
Well I know you would have still been a man
With a reason
To willingly offer your life"

"How He Loves" - David Crowder Band (from the bridge)

"And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…

He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us!"

"Christians" - United

This started out good, then maybe when into a slight rant at the end with some of my frustrations, but I still think all true. Maybe I just needed to remind myself of how things should be in my life more of.

Acts 11:26b
"The disciples were called Christians first at Antioch."

This was after the Jews had only been preaching to Jews. Then some of those who had been with Stephen went from the cities of Cyprus and Cyrene to a city called Antioch and started telling Greeks. WOAH!

Before the Jews were God's chosen people. In fact, in the chapter before Peter gets busted for going into the place with the gentiles because they were "unclean" and uncircumcised. That's kinda like a catholic going into the home of a baptist, but it was definitely not allowed because the baptist hadn't done all the ritual things that the catholic did. Peter tells them about God had orchestrated it and about the dream and about how God had poured out the Holy Spirit on these non-Jews. So suddenly it's not just a Jewish thing.

They send Barnabas to Antoich to check everything out and he see's the grace of God and encouraging them. He goes and gets Paul and they come back and spend a year there teaching, and it's here they're first called Christians.

Now, I've heard it before said that they're called "Christians" because they were "Christ-like," thats what others saw in them. In other place, I found it says that it's because its all they had in common - not race, culture, or even language. This is the part I started looking at. All they had in common was Christ and it was way more than enough.

That would be like taking a Muslim who knows Jesus (culturally muslim, Christian by choice) from North Africa, a American Christian, a Chinese follower of Christ, a Russian whose been born again and you stick them all in a room and what do you have? Christians. That's it. Culture was way off, language wasn't even the same, they all looked different, but the only thing they had in common was the fact they all knew Jesus was real and had forgiven them of sins and they were cool with it. In fact, they embraced that fact.

I felt this when we were in Botswana, Africa. We did have a small advantage as we both spoke some form of English. But our cultures were different, and we definitely looked different. But these people opened up their homes to us, they invited a group of 20 white American strangers over to their house and said "let me cook for you." Why? "Because you are here for Jesus." Talk about entertaining angels, I think we were entertained by an angel. In a world of differences, they looked directly to the only thing that mattered and said "You are forgiven, I am forgiven, we know Jesus we love Jesus. Here is my home."

I kinda wonder why we close off from each other. I mean even within our denominations we're almost against each other. We segregate and separate. Why? How is this unified? By focusing on our differences, we make it about us. If we really just focused on Jesus, then we would all have the same vision in sight. But apparently too many times we find that our own dress code, politics, what I did, is more important than Jesus.

Why do we search for what divides us rather than what unites us? Because it's what Satan does. It's what sin does. We're afraid of what we don't know. There's lots of ignorance in the world, and rather than holding on to what we do know and that is Jesus, we look at everything else to try to protect ourselves. Which takes the focus off of him and onto us, or onto them.

Maybe it's oversimplifying things, but I just want to know this: Do we love Jesus? Have we both been equally forgiven? Are we trying to follow him? Then what's the issue? They have tattoos and piercing, you don't. They don't wear shoes, you do. They talk really fast and always have to be busy, you work at a culture works at a slower pace. Awesome. I'm not trying to convert anyone to my culture or my way of life. I'm trying to show them a Love greater than anything that has ever been known. We're telling the story and opportunity how everything we've ever done wrong can be wiped away and completely unhumanly, supernaturally forgiven for good. That ridiculous thought should still captivate us, why because it's God poured himself into a human form and got the crap beat out of himself for us. THAT is what we have in common. That my actions just like your actions slammed my King against a tree. I spit on his face. My thoughts laid lashes on his back, across his stomach, onto his legs. That our self-exhaultedness brought him heartbreak and mental pain. Yeah, if you wanna look at what we did, THIS is what we did. Now applaud YOUrself. But this is where we are found. This is where we stand. This is where we are united is this act of sacrificial love. This life that this death brought. This is all we have, so why should we look anywhere else. How can we not open our arms, our lives, our homes, to people because they look different, act different, speak different when they know Jesus just like you do.
Let us come together and celebrate. Let us open our arms.
Let us party with music and dancing, with food and friends.
For we are united together, red and yellow, black and white.
We are not our own.
We are not our actions.
We are not of this world.
We are His.
We are loved.
We are forgiven.
We are Christians.

Leave.

What do I have to do to get you out of my life?
I don't want you here!
You are NOT welcome.

Then why do I keep allowing you to hang around.
Why do I keep leaving the door open.
It's not that I let you in,
it's that I let everything in.

Do I enjoy the breeze that much?
Or the freedom that comes with being unguarded?
But isn't real freedom found in protection?
In guaranteed certainty.

It feels so right and good when you're around.
Before and after I still often dream or imagine what it would be like.

But when I face You.
It's what we don't talk about.
It's what I try to reason out.
It's what I ask about but you don't answer...
or maybe what I ask about but then don't listen.

It's the thing same thing when someone else confronts me with,
I know exactly what side of the fence it's on
and know the full weight of what it brings.
But I am too good at reasoning.
At explaining it to make sense to myself.
Of making it ok.

I need You to save me.
I can't fight this any more.
I've found myself on the other side,
fighting both ways.
You say height or depth, life or death,
wilderness or city, poverty or plenty,
no rulers or authorities of light or dark,
nothing can separate you from me.
But why do I push You away?
Please save me from myself.

Save me. Come and rescue me.
There's no one else here but me and this war.
I'm losing fast. Come quickly.
The battle is here infront of me.
I can't fight anymore.
Save me.

Far Sighted.

"If sin just effects me, why does it matter to everyone else?"
Something we hear or have said all the time.
"My relationship with God is my own business, so I don't want to say."

I guess I find it really hard when I come home and am alone. I don't really get to see anyone most of the day. I'm just working on my own stuff. Either cleaning or working on graphics or working outside by myself. It's easy for me to let my relationship with God just kinda slack off. I give it a rest. It's not as dominant as it is when I'm around people because then I know it effects people and I can help them. When I'm at home in the preparation stage, I don't prepare very well. I don't have the bigger picture in mind because I can't help someone immediately.

But I was reading through Deuteronomy and came across the 10 Commandments. Pretty important little section in there. But the end of verse 9b-10 stuck out to me. "for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of their fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments."

It began to sink in more and more. Punishing the children for 3 and 4 generations. That means my kids are going to have to go deal with consequences of my actions, not only that but my grandkids, and my great grandkids would deal with my sins I committed yesterday and today.

This first hit me when I was reading through the story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel 11. Due to David's lust and carrying out that lust we see that his son dies. Later that his other son Absalom is burning with lust so much that he tricks and rapes his half-sister Tamar. You can see that the problems David has he passed onto his son. We also know that God's punishment wasn't just right then and there. It was much longer. His wives are slept with in front of Israel by his son. Murder is always an threat in the family. The list goes on.

When I read this, I thought. Dang, I need to get my act together because if I don't this could one day mess up my marriage, mess up my kids, mess up my grandkids. God kinda of just noted the fact by asking, "this could mess up things? How about this IS messing up things! Don't you realize that you are grown up enough to deal with your sins, and you are effecting how things will happen? It's time to grow up. You are grown up but you haven't realized that the consequences of your sin are effecting your kids now."

I often forget, or at-least don't rationalize in things that God works bigger than my lifetime. That my life isn't where he started a work and isn't where he's going to end it. Like at Concord he was working well before I got there and well after I'll have left. In China, he was working well before and well after. In fact, he's been working there heavily since before I was born so that I could come and play a part for these simple 11 months. That God does not start new or refresh ideas every-time someone else is born. That each person automatically is born into a story already in process.

Now, obviously, everyone gets their own chance, their own choice of what to do with Jesus. Everyone has the decision to make. I'm not talking about the weight and the guilt of sin, but the consequences of it. Thanks to what Jesus did on the cross, we don't have to deal with the weight or guilt of sin. He's already taken all of it. The consequences we do deal with. Example, sex before your married. God will forgive you for doing it, but you may still end up with a baby. God will forgive you for stealing something, but you'll probably have to pay for it or go to jail. You may have not listened to God for a romantic relationship and now have to deal with emotional ties you have between the person. The list can go on in any situation of how we have to deal with our consequences but not the guilt of our sin.

The beautiful part of that verse though and the part to celebrate is not the punishing the children for 3 or 4 generations, but the "showing love to a thousand generations of whose who love me and keep my commandments." We know that God is good. Here's an example of it. He is Holy and Just, but at the same time he is just overly graceful. Look at America, it's not quite the nation that is drastically seeking God's face, but still we are blessed. (If you don't think we are, shut up. We'll talk later, I'll show you proof.) That God blesses us when we do things his way.

Look at our own lives. As we started, when we were born into the story, many of us were born into pretty good Christian households. Perfect? No. But that just means we were born to humans. I've thought about this though and think about it. How much easier was it for me and you to believe in God because our parents did. We kind of grew from their faith. Things that they knew to be true, we accepted as true too. (You may argue the psychological perspective here, but hold on just a second and see it from my perspective.) If God rewards those who love him and seek his face to the thousands of generations, look at how rewarded we are. We have a solid house. Food usually at-least 2 times a day. Education. Options. Vehicles. We can believe so much more because we don't have to start where our parents started. We can do so much more because we don't have to start where they started. God has rewarded them for their obedience and let the blessings overflow to us. So many good things that we just automatically have due to our parents loving God. We get good things even when we haven't necessarily done the right thing.

Back to David. Despite the fact that he was a liar, thief, adulterer, murder, God still called him a man after his own heart. Yes, he screwed up. He sought forgiveness. He turned from his way and he went back after God. He continued to bless him and even his kids. I mean lets face it, Solomon wasn't the best example of a Godly man. But he was the smartest man to ever walk the face of the earth (outside of Jesus). He also was allowed to finish the great temple that his dad, David started. He was able to be King. He didn't make good decisions a lot of the time and had to deal with those, but still was blessed overall because of his fathers good.

Again in Chapter 7, v9 is just awesome. It describes God as faithful, because he keeps his covenant (promise) to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. That means that America is still being blessed now, because of our Great, Great, Great, Great, (1000x) Grandparents were obedient to God.

It give me a little more fuel to live longer. To be more far sighted than just here and now. To be thankful for God's faithfulness. To see that everything is part of the bigger plan. To live like it too. I'd rather bless not punish my kids and grandkids with my relationship with God and how I live.

"Love Me"

"Love me."
"Love me."
That's all it said.
Standing there all alone.
Two words side by side.
In matching juxtaposition.
To who is it from?
To who is it for?

It seems a command.
For it's not loved me as in a story or praise.
It's not loving me, as in a current action.
Love me, as in a future action.

Break it down.
I know what Love is.
I mean I think I know.
Do I know?
I know of it, but do I know it?
Do I understand it?
How do I express it?

Do I know what it means?
I've seen it expressed.
But have I expressed it?
Have I shown it?
Have I expressed it?
I have said it, but to show it?
I have cried it out, "Love Me"
while in desperate need.
But how do I respond when someone tells it to me.
It's just two simple words.
but put them side by side
in an area lacking contextual clues
and we search for what they are trying to say.
What do you mean?
or maybe it's what do I mean?
To whom would you say this?
How would they respond?

"Love me"
Thats all I know.
Show it to your kids.
Show it to your spouse.
Take it to your church.
Present it in your workplace.
Where did this come from?
And where will it go from here?

Setting things right.

Why do I give?
It's not even that I broke?
I didn't even fight that long.
I just went with the good feelings.
I was on my guard and as I let it down it seemed ok.
Then it grew like a crescendo in the night.
Consciously hearing it, but like a slight drown
I ignore the warning siren going off in the distance.

Suddenly the fire hits the building beside me.
I see the fire, yet do not move.
It begins to engulf my very surroundings.
All around me it grows.
Red, Heat, Burning.
Still I sit, just not wanting to move.

I can see the cool blue outside,
where there is freedom,
where there is air.
where there is healing and life.
But still I sit being consumed.

Because what? I want to feel something.
Some sort of adrenaline rush.
This numbness of just being here.
So sick of it, so sick of pushing through.

My sin stands before me.
Like a coat of oil that numbs my skin.
Unable to feel, yet inwardly eating away at my body.

Scrape it off so I can feel.
Drop me in flour to stop the burning.
Heal me.
Make me the way I was meant to be.
This self-imposed feeling sensation is not it either.

Why can I not just live the way I was created for?
Why is there all this striving?
Why the numbness?
Why the pain?
Why my consistent stupidity and ignorance?
Why my awful disobedience?

When will I break free from my selfish ways?
When will I finally live for Love?
When will I seek your face more than my enjoyment?


God I'm sorry for my short-sightedness.
I'm sorry for making your love something to be accomplished.
I'm sorry for being so selfish in my desires.
I'm sorry for wanting to be happy more than love you.
I'm sorry I haven't loved you the way I should.
I'm sorry for being so task oriented that I've missed your heart.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleared this up before.
I'm sorry for not making time to confess this to you.
I'm sorry for my half-hearted prayers.
I'm sorry for actually talking to you, but just thinking about it.
I'm sorry for being so closed off to you and others.

God I don't just want to say I'm sorry.
But this is me, on my face. saying things are going to change.
I don't want things to be the.
Here and now. Change me.
Because I can't do them on my own.
I'm here. Bring me close.
Today. Now. Things are gonna change.

Long Day...

Wow.
Today has been a long day.
I've heard so many things that I am so confused.
Mary got up early this morning and went to Jesus' body, right?
Well, apparently couldn't find it.
Her and Mary 2 say they saw angels and then saw Jesus.
I think the stress of it all is getting to them.
I'm a little worried about them too.

My heart wanted to jump at the idea that he is alive,
but I saw him beaten, I saw him murdered.
I have the horrific images of his lifeless body tossed around.
The thoughts pain me to remember the malicious left overs of flesh
pulled down, wrapped up, and carried off.
Now they say he's alive again?
There are so many mixed emotions today.
I'm in a whirlwind of emotions and
I don't know what true and what's not.
I don't know what's up or down, what's solid and what's shaking.

I'm caught in between what I want to believe
and what I've seen, what I've experienced.
I want to be excited by what I've heard
but at the same time, I know what I saw.
I mean a horrific death that I can't forget even if I tried.
That man dying on that cross has changed my life.
How can I forget it?

Are their reports delusions or could they be true?
It's been such a long day.
If this was real why couldn't I see him?
Then again, I guess I stayed away in my own world all day.
They were the ones who went out.
Maybe when you are seeking Jesus, you see Him.

But as we're eating dinner I see something.
I see a man. Is it him?
Can it be . . .?
It is.
Confronted with the truth.
Paralyzed by . . .
Paralyzed by . . .
I don't know. Fear? Confusion? Amazement?
He. . . But I saw. . .
and I . . .
he said. . .

He is more than expected.
I wanted a King over my people.
I didn't expect a ruler over death.
This is not what I was waiting for.
This blows what I was waiting for out of the water.
Everything has come true.
Everything was worth it.

Wait, am I dreaming?
Is this a dream?
If so, do I really want to wake up?
Quick, don't think about the fact that I'm asleep so I can stay here in this dream.
I don't want to wake up
Please, don't let me wake up.
Let me live in this fantasy just a little longer.
I don't want to wake to the cold new reality I've found myself in.
But what if this is real?

This changes everything.
Nothing is the same now.
The way I function.
The way I interact.
The way I eat and sleep.
The way I live and die. It's all changed.

But it feels like another dimension to life was just opened.
Like it's always been here but just locked, out of reach.
Now it's here.
It's filling my lungs.
This is Jesus. Here. Alive.
Do you understand the magnitude of this.
This man was murdered a few days ago, and
Now, he's standing in front of me breathing life into me.
Do you realize what this means?
Do I really know what this means?

"When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross." -Colossians 2:13-15

I've imagined greatness,
I've seen miracles,
but this. . .
this is
Life-altering
Infinitely unreal
Forever changing
Entrance making.

This is true LIFE.

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - John 10:10b

The Longest Saturday . . .

Have you ever had all of your hope torn away,

no seriously, what you had waited all of your life for

you get it, then it's drastically ripped from you

Now you sit.

Not sure which is more

the pain of losing it all, or

the sheer confusion of what you had invested your life in possibly being a lie

It all seemed to make since,

all the signs seemed to be there,

everything was going so well,

I swore that this was it, this is what it's all about.

I've given up my career,

I've left my family,

I've traveled hundreds of miles

and now I'm homeless, helpless,

and sitting in a room with hundreds of others just as confused

So many I thought were with us abandon us.

They ran away and hid as soon as it started to go down.

So many ran and hid.

I can't say much, I ran the fastest.

I was out first.

If I would have stayed, could I have helped?

Is this my fault?

Thoughts flood my mind,

If they killed Him, and He was more powerful,

How can we stop them from killing us?

Was He really "the messiah"?

I know I saw Him do miracles, I saw it . . . didn't I?

Did I make this up?

This seems just like a bad dream, and I just want to wake up.

Please don't tell me this is reality.

Can I go back home?

What about everything I left?

If this was everything I thought was real, can I trust anything?

What is real?

What can I do when all hope is gone?

I guess today I'll just try to stay hidden, I'll try to stay safe,

Today, I have no idea what do,

Today I'll just cry, ask questions, and try to sleep it away,

Maybe tomorrow I'll have more strength,

Maybe some time will pass and some light will be shed on the situation,

Today I've got nothing . . . maybe tomorrow.

Maybe.

Then Jesus told them,

"This very night you will all fall away on account of me, for it is written:

" 'I will strike the shepherd,

and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.'. . . - Matthew 26:31

Feeling Loved

We usually feel loved when someone does something for us that makes us happy.

If they do an action that doesn't elicit a response of good feelings on the inside then we usually don't think, oh they love me.

We think, they've shown me love today because

"they've made me feel better,"

"they make me happy."

But if true love is from God, and

God is more focused on your Holiness than your happiness,

then when we love someone shouldn't it make them more holy,

not necessarily happy.

It's awesome and easy to do when they are both one in the same.

Othertimes I think we try to love someone with happiness rather than holiness.

Shouldn't there be a 6th sense type of love language,

Physical touch, quality time, gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation AND holiness.

Something Ridiculous...

Everything beautiful in the world is stripped of it's decency,
as for the first time guilt and shame are known by him
It comes overwhelming him, and the weight of the world throughout all human history,
is poured onto his head.

The crowed shouted in joy and anger,
and screams of terror and pain were drowned out by
hatred and pure evil moved among them,
provoking heart strickening words

"What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ? Pilate asked.
They all answered, "Crucify him!" - Matthew 27:22

The King is brought out into the streets,
stripped of his majesty, yet glorified
stripped from his clothes, spit in his face,
and mocked for all the good he had done.

"They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him." - Matthew 27:28-31

A bloody trail left, leading up to a hill where he is left, all alone.
The first time in his life, after 30 years,
completely desperately, and utterly alone.
Abandoned.
The innocent left alone to suffer guilt.
To take the wrath of evil on him.

"About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"" - Matthew 27:46

All of nature violently revolted,
The mid-day blackened like hope sucked from that atmosphere.
Then, the land mass itself seizured with agony, while rocks were split.
The divine portal to the heavenly realm ripped open, top down.
And those who saw it stood in amazement.

"From the sixth hour until the ninth hour darkness came over all the land. . . .At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook and the rocks split." - Matthew 27:45, 51

In the most grotesque scene,
Beauty is defined, but his body was able to be,
Beauty shines forward, as the sun did not,
Beauty is poured out on us, as his blood flowed out

"But he was pierced for our transgressions,


 he was crushed for our iniquities;


 the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,


 and by his wounds we are healed." - Isaiah 53:5

And in the greatest act of injustice,
justice was satisfied
and criminals were set free.

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." - 2 Corinthians 5:21

They killed Jesus.
They killed Him.
Thank God they killed Him.

"For Christ died for sins once for all, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive by the Spirit" - 1 Peter 3:18

the best part:
this story is
to be continued...

Always Provided Just in Time

Lesson that God controls everything just in time:
- I-pod quit.
- Lost my phone.
- Computer cord tore in two.

I had to get Michael Ball's phone number because I lost my phone, and one guy from SGA wanted to come talk at Cru but didn't know if he was going to make it or not. So he wanted a number to get a hold of someone in Cru. I got Michael Ball's number and wrote it on my hand.

I lost my keys on Wednesday. Very frustrated because I seem to be losing everything for no apparent reason. After walking around the campus for an hour trying to find it, I went to the library. So thankfully for my friends and people knowing people. Kayla didn't have Charles' (my roommates) number, so I still had Michael Ball's number (from SGA guy wanting to come to Cru) and texted him to get Charles' number. Got his number and called him. Found my keys.

My computer died Thursday night and I needed to get people ready for the open house on Friday night so thankfully my roommate went home or the weekend, but left his computer here. So I used my suite-mates phone, Brian, to call Charles and get his password, (since I had his number in a notepad from losing my keys.) Checked my email and got 3 emails in 3 days. The third one title was "Persistent Aren't We?" So I decided I should probably check this. Turns out the deadline for ELIC was Wednesday, in 4 days. So I looked up the website and checked it out a little bit. Got another email from him and emailed him back with a few questions and honest confusion.

Mom had got my phone activated on Saturday and Alex went home to see his brother or sister who came in. So Mom gave it to Alex. I got a phone Sunday night. Monday morning the guy from ELIC calls me and says that I have good questions but it would be easier to have a conversation and answer the questions rather than writing a short novel. So on my newly acquired phone I called him back and had an hour long conversation with him. We talked and at the end I said, "We'll I'll probably go ahead and fill out the first part of the application and we'll just see how it goes." He responds with "Ok, if you can get it filled out today, I'll go ahead and wave the first phone interview check in part since we've talked and had this conversation." Oh ok. Sweet. I'll try to get it done here in a little bit. (Hour before leadership meeting.) "Once you've got it filled out, I'll go ahead and send you the next part of the application, then you can take a couple of weeks to think and pray about it and fill it out." "Sounds good to me. Thank you."

As I walked out of there, I happened to swing by the post office to just happen to see if the computer cord I ordered was in. I ordered it on Friday so I doubted it would be. I was lucky enough that the one I ordered was not only the cheapest but it also had free shipping. I ordered it Friday morning. Turns out it came in on Saturday, but the post office wasn't open so they didn't get it till Monday. So I got to pick it up Monday afternoon. How awesome was that?! I told my professor and he said "Oh wow, that hardly ever happens. Where was it coming from?" "California." "NO WAY! Really?!" "Yeah, God straight hooked me up." "I'd say God hooked you up thats amazing."
Oh yeah.

Sunday at Church I had asked Pastor Jim if I could pick his brain sometime. (He's the missions pastor at Johnston Chapel). We set a time for 7:15am on Tuesday morning. So after I talked to him, I through out some ideas, mentioned talking to a guy about teaching English in China the day before. He also liked that idea and said that he knew someone who was doing it. He calls me back when I'm in econ at 2:30 and gives me some contact information for a few other people and one guy about teaching english in China. ... He works for ELIC. Hmm. . . Hadn't mentioned it to him that that's the place I was looking at.

Suppose to play frisbee at 4 but was really tired so I decided to take a quick nap instead. It seemed more important and work on my computer some. Maybe look up more information about internationals. After talking to Pastor Jim, felt a fire and desire to seek it out sooner. Then as I'm starting to doze off I get a phone call. I answer it and it's Rebekah, from ELIC. (Dang they sure are persistent.) Turns out it's the same lady that I talked to at Urbana is one of the co-walker counselors that helps people work through the process of applying. Hmm. She called and said "Is there anything I can do to help you with your application that's due tomorrow?" "Uh, tomorrow?" Apparently the second part of the application is due on Wednesday too. So now that I've got my powercord, I can use my laptop to fill out the application for ELIC.

RECAP:
Some guy come to Cru - Get michael Balls number.
Used Balls number to get Charles number cause I locked myself out of room.
Used Charles number to borrow his computer for open house.
Checked email on Charles computer to see about ELIC deadlines and emailed the guy.
Get a phone Sunday night to talk to the ELIC guy on Monday.
Get a powercord on Monday afternoon to fill out application on Tuesday that's due Wednesday.

God provides just in time.

1 Corith 14

Prophecy and Tongues -
If you speak in a tongue then your talking to God.
You're uttering mysteries in your soul.
But no one understands.

Prophecy is to deliver a message from God, not necessarily predict the future.
But if your prophesying then your speaking to men and it's to strengthen, encourage, and comfort them.

If you speak in a tongue then you build up yourself.
If you deliver the message then you build up the church.
I would rather you build up the church.
Whoever prophesies (gives a message from God thats understandable) is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless someone can interpret what you said so that the whole church could be built up.

The focus of all of this is to build up the church. To build up each other.

So if when I come, I speak in tongues, what good is that unless I bring some sort of new revelation, a new thought, or new information to help, or a word of instruction?
It's like playing an instrument, but only using one note. If they use a trumpet to make the battle call, but it's not clear, then nothings gonna work. If it's to gather people together and build each other up, but no one has any idea what was just said, then you just made a lot of noise, talked to the air, and wasted time.

There really are alot of languages, and each one has it's purpose. For foreigners that don't understand what is being said, it works. But again that's to build up the church. Focus on things that you can do that will build up those around you.

So based off of that, if you speak in tongues pray that you can interpret it. I can pray with my spirit and speak in tongues, and it's good for my spirit, but doesn't help my mind any. So I could sing with my spirit or sing with my mind. I can be thankful in the same ways. It was never meant to be barren intellect or thoughtless emotion but both working together. But if I only use the spiritual, how can an outsider or someone else look at my praise and say that it's good, agree with it, and praise God because of it, if they have no idea what's going on? You might be praising God, but the other man is not built up.

I thank God that I speak tongues more than you, so you know that I have experience and authority. That I'm not just blabbering because I'm jealous or am afraid of what I don't know. I do it more than you and I would much rather say 5 words that you can understand that would help you than blabber on in tongues for a day and half and you have no idea what's happening.

So the focus of all of this is this, to build up each other and the church. The body of Christ to be strengthened with words and power. It doesn't matter what your doing, if this isn't happening and it's just confusing people and making people think your crazy. Stop doing it. Simple enough. The focus is on God and on building each other up.