Setting things right.

Why do I give?
It's not even that I broke?
I didn't even fight that long.
I just went with the good feelings.
I was on my guard and as I let it down it seemed ok.
Then it grew like a crescendo in the night.
Consciously hearing it, but like a slight drown
I ignore the warning siren going off in the distance.

Suddenly the fire hits the building beside me.
I see the fire, yet do not move.
It begins to engulf my very surroundings.
All around me it grows.
Red, Heat, Burning.
Still I sit, just not wanting to move.

I can see the cool blue outside,
where there is freedom,
where there is air.
where there is healing and life.
But still I sit being consumed.

Because what? I want to feel something.
Some sort of adrenaline rush.
This numbness of just being here.
So sick of it, so sick of pushing through.

My sin stands before me.
Like a coat of oil that numbs my skin.
Unable to feel, yet inwardly eating away at my body.

Scrape it off so I can feel.
Drop me in flour to stop the burning.
Heal me.
Make me the way I was meant to be.
This self-imposed feeling sensation is not it either.

Why can I not just live the way I was created for?
Why is there all this striving?
Why the numbness?
Why the pain?
Why my consistent stupidity and ignorance?
Why my awful disobedience?

When will I break free from my selfish ways?
When will I finally live for Love?
When will I seek your face more than my enjoyment?


God I'm sorry for my short-sightedness.
I'm sorry for making your love something to be accomplished.
I'm sorry for being so selfish in my desires.
I'm sorry for wanting to be happy more than love you.
I'm sorry I haven't loved you the way I should.
I'm sorry for being so task oriented that I've missed your heart.
I'm sorry that I haven't cleared this up before.
I'm sorry for not making time to confess this to you.
I'm sorry for my half-hearted prayers.
I'm sorry for actually talking to you, but just thinking about it.
I'm sorry for being so closed off to you and others.

God I don't just want to say I'm sorry.
But this is me, on my face. saying things are going to change.
I don't want things to be the.
Here and now. Change me.
Because I can't do them on my own.
I'm here. Bring me close.
Today. Now. Things are gonna change.