from gifts to gods

I wonder if and how often God get's frustrated with us. I mean seriously as simple as he's tried to make it, we keep skewing off the path. Especially with gifts he's given us. Like the song Blessed be the name of the Lord, it says "Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise you" but in reality and honesty we should be singing "every blessing you pour out I'll probably put it in front of you."

I was reading in James 5 about Rich Oppressors. James isn't hating on the worthlessness of rich people, he's hating the worthlessness of riches. Ok so start out of what it should have been like. "You have fruit and I have meat, lets trade those 3 pieces of fruit for this piece of meat?" "Ok" Then eventually we got to money, which is pretty much a piece of material people decided was worth something. (if you think about it, the $1 bill and the $100 dollar bill are still made of the same parchment and ink, but one has a different design than the other). So we need this material (money) to get things we need to survive, so we ask God for it. God, out of his generosity and if it's in his plan, gives it to us. Some, he even gives more material to, which gives them more to give out, or more authority so people can listen to them share bout God. But somehow in the process of all of this, our focus goes off of it's a material God's given us to survive, or to be able to show others to him, to where it becomes our god, (not the golden statue kind). It's the type of god that we begin to define ourself by, we begin to not only define who we are by the amount of it we have, but it determines our actions. One extreme version of it is Golumn on the Lord of the Rings. The ring is his god, it consumes him and all of his actions are devoted to just getting the ring. How many people live and their actions are just devoted to getting money? When Golumn finally gets the ring what happens? He sits there and stares at it, his 30 seconds of happiness is then overcome by the fear someone will take it away from him. So Suddenly he wants to put it away and hide it and not enjoy it because he might lose it. Sound like anyone with a money-god? We take the gift or blessing God has given us for us to survive and to be able to point people to him better and became so focused on it that it messes up our lives and God's plan.

It's like standing at bat in a baseball game and when the ball comes catching it and running over to the fence, sitting down and petting the ball. Thats not what the ball was meant for, not only did you mess up your position and place in the game, you just messed up the game and missed the purpose of the game. But there are more balls, and there is more money. So the game/life goes on without you and your missing out on the fun of the game/ on life because you have your ball and are afraid to let anyone play with it, when really it wasn't yours to start with.

But it's easy to point fingers at those who have made money their god, but it's not just money. Think of all the other things we do the same thing with. Something God has given us to help us, and for us to better point to him, but we make it our god, our ring, our baseball. How about relationships? Boyfriends and girlfriends, husbands and wives? They were given to us as helpmates, as a helper, as someone to keep us physical company. But somehow in the point of that we get a little self-centered and self-focused, we do what we do and define ourselves by him or her. Our actions and what we do are not to please God and show others to him, but instead they are to make the other person happy and to just be with that person. But little bits of happiness are often overcome by fear of losing him/her. Self-inadequacies, or someone else being better, or this person acts differently - all these lies slip in and make us anxious and fearful so that we don't lose him/her, the ring, the ball. But if we aren't holding on tightly, if we aren't defined or have this relationship as our god, then everything is more free. The baseball game continues to go on playing. It's like the 38 Special song, "Hold on Loosely," it says "Just hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna loose control."

There's many other gifts that we move out of it's place. Friends, schoolwork, our jobs, family, health, materialistic things, etc. There's so many things that God has given us to help us and given us to help point to him, but somehow either individually or as a society we have morphed out of it's proper place and in front of God so it defines us, controls our actions, controls our thought processes, and our motivations.

I wonder and pray that we'll know what it will look like and live the way we should with everything in it's proper place. But it doesn't seem like it's like cleaning a room and once it's in it's place it stays there. It seems like it's more of a race. Where as we have to run hard after God because he's always leading the pack. but there's a lot of other things that are racing us. These relationships, money, family, material things, school, friends, are all racing us, and if we slow down or stop following hard after God, and these other things don't stop (which they don't) then they pass us and get in between of us and God. Often times they run competitively, they'll get in front of another runner then slow down. Which means that we are slowed down and further space is put in between us and God. But often times it takes God coming back to us and running with us to move and pass the things, or it takes us just deciding not to follow these things anymore and to put the petal to the metal, give all we have, and push past these objects that are in our way. And if you've ever ran competitively, you know it's so much easier to stay infront of someone than to try and pass someone.

So I guess Paul was right about running the race in a way to win the prize. I guess to end it. . Ready. . . Set. . . GO.

This Guy I Know

A letter explaining everything. If you see please feel free to use.

This guy I know.

So I’d like to introduce you to this guy I know that will totally change your world. He’ll even change the way you think about things. It’s really cool. He’s really smart too, he’s always making things, and making thing happen. Brilliant. He makes things all the time. He’s really smart and always seems to have the right answer. There’s only one downside- he gets kind of jealous. He wants to be the only guy you listen to; it makes since cause he’s always right but he never makes you feel guilty, he’s pretty forgiving too. He’ll show you where you were wrong and then help you fix it, I don’t know how he does it but he does it so smoothly, like almost where I don’t feel bad. Sometimes he says some really weird things, like he’ll tell me to do something and I think, what the heck, how in the world is this going to happen? But whenever I finally give in and try it, it always comes together, like out of nowhere. And he’s really nice, like maybe the nicest guy I know. He’s always doing nice things for people and sometimes he lets me help out. And he’s not like one of those friends who is nice for a while but then gets on you nerves, like the more you hang out with him the more you like him. I really thing you should meet him. I just talked to him and he said he’d die to know you. He really loves to meet new people but always makes time for his old friends. But I’ve got to go, we’re going to hang out in a little bit if you want to join?

Abram

p.s. I almost forgot, he’s got a lot of nicknames but I just call him Jesus.

Perfectionism

I'll admit I struggle with being a perfectionist. I want everything to be just right or I'm not satisfied. God has showed me a lot about not everything having to be perfect to me. Although, many times it's because my perfect doesn't line up with his perfect. 

Today's thought started out with James 3:8, "but no man can tame the tongue, ti's a restless evil, full of deadly poison." and the footnote mentions the thought that so many people have is "well if i can't control it, why even try."

ft.nt. "Even if we may not achieve perfect control of our tongues, we can still learn enough control to reduce the damage our words can do. It is better to fight a fire than to go around setting new ones!"

That thought made me start to wonder, or more more or less God started talking about this subject.  How many times do we not attempt something or not put our effort into something because we know it won't be perfect.  I've even talked to some people who said they'll never be perfect, they'll keep on sinning so why ask for forgiveness or why be saved.  

But I think this ft.nt. kind of hit it on the head by saying we fight fires instead of spread them. I think so many times we believe being neutral on a subject or non-action on a subject is  an option. Really, though, the more I've found out is if your not with something, your partly against it.  I'm not talking just about being saved, (your either for or against God, there is no fence, the devil owns the fence.) But in a lot of other situations. For example: Say someone is speaking at cru and they start listening to lies about they're not saying the right thing, no ones listening, what are they doing, they're messing it up, and they start to feel overwhelmed and ka-thumped. Someone in the audience may think that they should tell the speaker afterwards that they really liked it and needed to hear it. Instead, they remain "neutral" and take the course of "no action" because they don't think it's important or they won't get it out right. Really, they are fighting with the voices of lies by not saying anything rather than battling them with them and saying, "thank you."    - That kind of gets into another field. Another, maybe better example: when taking a vote, if you take the course of "no-action" then you are voting against something whether or not you want to. It's like in life they say everyone for it, move over here, if you're against it, stay where you are.  By not being part of the solution, you're part of the problem.

But moving back to perfectionism. Think of the things we don't due because we think they won't be perfect. Talking to someone, art projects, dancing, singing, playing a sport, speaking in front of a group, etc. But each of these things we may not see as perfect, but maybe it's because our perfect is due to a limited view. Ex 1.- talking to someone, we may not due it because we think it'll come out wrong or have no idea what to say, maybe we're not suppose to say anything. Maybe we just need to listen. Maybe your lack of knowledge or wisdom will continue the conversation. I talked with one guy named Chris once who started talking to me about God stuff and my mind blanked. I knew exactly what he was talking about and how to answer it but the words wouldn't come. Everyonce in a while I could get a thought out of, well I kind of see it like _____. Later, I realized because of my lack of all the right words, he didn't think i was some soapbox christian and that i knew everything (which i definitely dont) but that I was willing to listen to what he had to say and have a conversation and that not every Christian has to know it all.  

One of the biggest things I believe people struggle with is confidence, we search for it in nearly everything (sports, dating, school, cars, job), but forget to look to the guy who has an abundance of it, wanting to give it to us. But people's lack of confidence often lead to the idea that those Christians seem confident, they must know everything and be perfect at everything. I have a shirt that says "Not perfect, just forgiven." But maybe in our attempts (yes, attempts meaning failures or not perfections), we can show others that we are far from perfect, but forgiven. That's another reason why we should try.

Another reason is the fact thats it's not necessarily what place we get, but how we run the race. We are surrounded by people desperately watching us to find out what's different about Christians. We should be showing them that it's not really what the end result is, it's about our heart through the process. That God never ever calls us to be perfect (I don't know why we think we should be then), but he only calls us to be faithful. He doesn't say get first place, he says go out there and give me what you've got and I'll take care of the rest. 

If we only do what we know we can be perfect at then we miss out on a lot of opportunities. A time to grow, a time for someone else to learn to teach, a time to show someone how much you really Love them. To show Love - have you ever had someone who really couldn't sing and knew they couldn't sing and was almost embarrassed of their singing, sing you a song to show you that they Love you.  I mean we do it with people here on earth, I think the idea kind of fits the Big Guy too. We're not perfect, pretty sure he know that, but just the effort we put forth shows our love to Him.  It's like the little kid who makes the macaroni picture or colors a picture, it's way outside the lines and not really a picture, but the parent just loves it because it shows the time they put into it. All of our efforts are macaroni compared to God's sculpture of the valleys and mountains, but it's not what they come out as. It's about us giving what we have to show Love.  Like someone making a friend a scarf and it's tight in some places and loose in others but they spent hours on it, and the friend loves it and wears it everywhere because they love it.

But maybe our vision of perfection is because we can't see it all. Because a conversation didn't go where we wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't go where it needed to. So many inventions have came out of failed attempts of something else. Because a movie didn't have the punch we wanted to doesn't mean it didn't get the pointed that needed to be there across. Because you didn't deliver the speech with the most of eloquence and cried in the middle didn't mean you didn't connect with hearts and let God change them through you.  I can think of hundreds of what we see as failures or non-perfect things and then later see them as, "oh, so that's what God was doing there." It seems like focusing on perfection rather than the heart behind it puts an awful lot of pressure on us. We focus alot on what we are and what we're doing and how it will come out rather than just focusing on God and who he is.  I want to say even be cautious of focusing on what he's doing because often times we have a habit of trying to race God. "ok you're doing this, let me help it along the way. Come on God, why are you still back there?" Instead of sticking with and following God, we try to lead and set the pace. I think it's some sort of human instinct to want and need control. We're always searching for what God's doing  and I think sometimes our mind and that instinct takes over and we want to help God in what he's doing and we end up doing a lot of things that wasn't in God's plan or timing to start with. 

The main point seems to be it doesn't matter if it's perfect, because if we do it, it probably won't be, but thats no reason to not attempt it because our perfect isn't always his perfect. What we do we should just do with our whole hearts, our honest and sincere hearts.

About Radiate08

I thought I hadn't thought about before, but then God said it and i wrote it out and was amazed by it so I'm saving it on here. We were talking about Christmas Conference.

A Superman 4 JC (2:09:36 PM): i can understand not excited but why not wanting to?
twiggie103 (2:10:03 PM): it was really great last year, and i'm just afraid that it will be a let down this year
A Superman 4 JC (2:10:35 PM): i thought that last year
A Superman 4 JC (2:11:01 PM): with everything in my life if i get my expectations set up for something it's always less than i expected and i'm disappointed so i try not to set my expectations
A Superman 4 JC (2:11:20 PM): but last year i couldn't help it becasue it was so good the year before so I had them up, and  but the years just blur together. they were that good.
A Superman 4 JC (2:11:53 PM): it didn't matter where i was or what i was going through, somehow God did the God-thing and met down and met me wherever i was at and just unloaded on me
A Superman 4 JC (2:12:43 PM): i still have the reflex to not get my hopes up, but my hopes aren't in the music or the speakers or the people, but about meeting God there again and just letting him rock my world for 4 days

Thats what Radiate08 is about.

Blown Away.

So, God just keeps blowing me away. Ever since Sunday at Church when I remembered Love, it's just been one thing after another. and It's non-stop blown away amazingly awesome. Today has just been full of God, I have seen and heard him everywhere today and had one of those days I felt like I was in the middle of Gods will.

I won't lie, i didn't wake up in the brightest of moods and my initial thought wasn't God's going to do a bunch of huge things today. I wasn't thinking the Revolution is happening today. I went to class like normal and toward the end of Adv Illustration I get a text from Ashley Lawler saying "hey are you in class?" meaning if your not I need you/to talk/to something. So I get out and call her and we talked and got somethings figured out. I kind of skipped Printmaking though to talk to her, I felt like classes are important, but sometimes people are more important. Sherri sends me a text saying Amber her old roommate had asked her to pray for her! (she was agnostic/atheiest/not-a-Jesus-Lover...yet) amazing!

So after I leave that I eat and go to find Jack to apologize for missing class and show him my sketches. (My sketches that I actually had time to do and to put effort into and that looked pretty good yesterday, which is one of the first times I've put effort into printmaking sketches). He was a little aggravated because I missed and I said I was sorry that I just had something that came up that I needed to care of. In a brief "humph" he sarcastically asked if I had my sketches, when I broke them out in color, he quickly changed his attitude. I missed the demo, but its ok. I went back and read part of what sarah walk talking about tonight at cru and it was really good and I was excited. then I tried to do some research for illustration and God was like nope not here. this isn't where your suppose to be. so I was like where? "time with me" so I left the computer and went and read some in James then Carly came up and we had this good conversation about God's Love. Then I had to go to cereamics. Went there and the kilns weren't off yet so we couldn't do anything so class was pretty much done with and if you wanted to stay and work you could. Daniel walked by and said I like your shirt, which it says "Christianity is not a religion, (on the front) Religion is humans trying to work their way to God. Christianity is God coming to men and women through a relationship with Jesus Christ (on the back)" and then Leleigh started talking to me again about God and religion and movies and stuff and we got to have a good conversation about that and she invited me to the film society thing tomorrow night and I said sure I might come by and see it, (no idea what it is, but just trying to build the relationship). and it was good. Then left there and went to the library and ended up playing football with Danni out in front of the library and then carly came out.

Then went inside to read and nothing was reallyl productive and God was saying this isn't where you should be. so I said where? after fighting it a while, I went over to the computers and checked facebook and my email in which case I started using some of the conversation with Carly in an email I replied to with Michelle. Then I emailed Devon my old roommate cause I hadn't talked to him. I tried to look up Matt bunner cause I haven't seen him and know I need to find him but no luck. So I went to his room in which case I couldn't find him but maybe woke up his roommate and his girlfriend or something, oops. Then headed over to the art building cause thats where I felt like I was suppose to go. I found pictures on the way I knew were part of a Design I project so I took them in and dried them off. In the next room I saw Norma who I hadn't got to talk to so we stopped and talked to each other for alittle bit and she shared her plans for the future and I shared that God hadn't told me yet and what he had told me that i knew of for my future. So I get a text from Kayla that she figured something out so I started to come back and met danni and she was having some issues so we stopped and talked then Dr. Griffee walked by and Danni went to ask her something and something she said fixed whatever danni was going through. we went inside and I got some work done, got to talk to danni some, michael some, kayla some, and lynsi some. Turns out matt was in lab until the cafe was closed so we're going to meet for lunch tomorrow. anyways fast forward cause I know i wont remember it all. i got to eat dinner with danni and we played cards and had fun. I got stuff for cru set up, and on the way back from getting music stands I saw Zack, (a guy who came to the halloween party dressed as a priest smoking a cigar, and I believe had plans to be a cross dresser the next night. Anyways i saw him on facebook and his religious views were either athiest or roman catholic, then on a post about God being in control he replied with "you dont know since there is no god anyways.") either way I saw this guy walking along and I see him everywehre and each time Gods like say hi but each time he kind of looks the other way and makes it awkward and like he's snubbing me so I dont say anything then realized to show Gods Love I have to take the effort even when it's not easy. So I passed him in the hall and was like Hey Zack. we talked for a few minutes then mentioned setting up for cru and he said he'll try to make it sometime. I said ok that's cool. then he left with a "God Bless" which just threw me for a loop. Turns out that night was tonight. Sarah did an awesome job sharing her story and challenging us to step out in faith and put faith in action. There were so many people crying and I could just see that this is exactly what God was wanting, complete honest brokenness and sharing our heart and all it's scars and how he's healed it. It was one of the most beautiful things. Afterwards Zack comes up to sarah and she said he said "what I said really spoke to him, and that he's dealing with a lot of stuff like that right now, and that it's just nice to know that he's not alone, and he's got hope, and he'll eventually get through it." WOW! DANG! WOW!

Then Sherri calls me after I get to have this amazing conversation with Gary about God and then something else. But sherri calls to tell me that Amber has changed her religous views on facebook from "Agnostic to "trust your instincts" and she had just asked sherri to pray for her saying something to the extent of "I'm not really relgious, but could you pray for me since you are." and wow like shabam wow! Then Gary and I are still talking more about God and how he spoke to him and he set him in the direction he needs to go and all of this is happening because I told Joel I'd watch the cru stuff while they go perform at the Concord Idol show so we wait up there til like 11. I had something I had been wanting to ask someone but didnt know who or how and he had been praying to God about something he wanted to say but didnt' know how and somehow our conversation drifted to that and it was just like wa-thump. later in the conversation gary says this whole thing is kind of new to me, I mean me praying and God answering real direct and just there right now. It was a good conversation in which I need to put alot more prayer but yeah. then we had a meeting about christmas conference before and we had about 18 people who were there and there were some who werne't there so possibly be shaving my head and all but like 3 were registered so yeah. :) wow. and kayla got to talk to elizabeth and just chat and kind of calm the waters there and it's jsut been really good. and i've realized a little more what it's like to fully follow God not just where you think it's good.

oh my gosh i know this probbly doenst make since and is choppy but I need to go to sleep and be prepared for waht God has in store tomorrow. Love you guys. Thank GOD!

Change

So God kind of just dropped this thought in my head. It was kind of just came in and needs to get talked out so I'm talking it out.

Everything in life changes. Obviously. But seriously everything changes. Like muscles if you use them then they get stronger, if you don't they weaken and tear down. Papa Mace used to say "We're either going to get better or worse today, you can't stay the same." and all of that kind of sunk in today and tied with living and heartbreak. that if we refuse to change then we are asking for heartbreak. I talked to a friend earlier tonight and she (like all of us) wants to hold onto the past, past experiences, past friendships, past fun times, but if we try to stop and hold time then we're setting ourselves up for heartbreak because everything continues to change. It's like with high school friends we want to hold them in the same place we last left them but when we see them again we've changed and so have they, so we have to embrace the change and accept they're not the same person we think them as.

It seems as if Refusing to change is refusing to live. I say that because to live, truely really live, we must adapt and live today differently than we did yesterday, each experience changes us, each day adds another level of emotions, knowledge, experiences, and information for us to adapt to and helps curve and motivate our behavior. If we like our surroundings and we try to stop time (which would be the only thing to stop change) (time=change) by holding onto everything at it's direct moment we are refusing to live the next day. Like living one day over and over again, true it maybe a great day, but life isn't just about that one day high. If you think about it, by trying to hold onto the past is like saying your satisfied with life just as it is. (it's good to be content, never satisfied). Think of all of the bad things that a great day has, even if its not for you. There's still poverty, still starving people in every country in the world, still sin, still people who have never heard about a man named Jesus, still people who have heard the name but have yet to see his love carried out by people who claim to know him. We are refusing to let God work in our lives if we hang onto the past. We're saying we like where we are now and I don't want to be any closer to you or any more like you, God. I understand the fact of sometimes our relationship with God is better than other times. My relationship with God has had mountains above the clouds and valleys below sea level, but through each thing God has taught me a little more about who I am, who he is, who he's making me to be, and what his plans are for me. God says, "I know the plans I have for you, plans for you to prosper, plans for hope and a future." But we're stopping short by refusing to change and trying to hold onto the past.

Stopping short. . . It's like we're climbing a hill to get a picture at the top. We know once we get to the top we can see over everything and that it's going to be beautiful, the way the sun hits off the low lying clouds in some of the valleys and how the trees are 37 different shades of orange, but how the sun reflects off the blue water creating a shimmer that is just amazing. But all of that is hardly a quarter of what we could see on one side from the top of the mountain. We only know this from what we've see climbing it. So we start of climbing and make it like an 1/8 of the way up the hill and there's a clearing where we can see and it's beautiful. Then we make it 1/4 of the way up the hill and it's even more aspiring, so we take another picture. Then we get back to climbing and go through alot of bushes and briars and steep spots to get closer to the top. There's different spots along the way that we can stop and look to see how beautiful it is. Granted, sometimes we use the vision of what we have seen as encouragement and motivation to make it further. Sometimes we stop and take a rest too long at a clearing and miss the opportunity to be higher. We could walk backwards up the hill and keep looking at everything that's going on behind us, or we could turn around and strive towards the top. (kind of like looking at what God's doing in your life, occasionally it is good to turn around and just be amazed and in awe, but if we are just looking at how far we've come and what we've been able to accomplish, we don't really get anywhere else. We've taken our eyes off of the destination to look at the wakes behind us. Or like stopping weightlifting to check out our muscles, but if we look to long then we get no further, we get off course, and our strengths begin to wither.) The point of stopping short was like getting 1/4 of the way up the hill and being satisfied there. Stopping and seeing how beautiful it is and just sitting there with our half an acre of vision. The half-acre is beautiful but it's only a half-acre. Once we get to the top we can see for miles and miles and each of the little snip-its of beauty and glory are so intricately tied together that they just flabbergast and amaze us. So we shouldn't stop short or part way up the mountain. We should press on towards the goal or top, look at the beauty others have found also and encourage them to strive on (some briar patches take 2 or 3 to go through.), and not stop short, not to give up, keep letting God work in us and through us, and embrace the change which allows us to truely live life.

Only one thing is consistent, Everything else evolves with time.
We've all heard only one thing stays the same, only one thing is consistent before, but I guess I never really argued that or listened to it before. I tried to argue it this evening as if I was trying to present my case and prepared for all of the arguments against it, but nothing could stick. Money is the same- but money isn't the same as I've learned in Econ this semester that the value of money fluctuates more than some peoples blood temperature. The FED and other Gov't committees can pretty much control it and adjust it for inflation and unemployment, exports and imports, everything like that. Love is the same- I'd love for this one to be true, but love is not the same, at least not our love. If that was the case then in 3rd grade when we told the little girl I Love You it meant the same thing as I'll whisper to my bride on our wedding day as to I'll remind my wife as I leave the world. Our love changes, we learn of a whole new level of love each time we give it out we realize that there is more to love than we have previously known. Hate stays the same - Thank God it doesn't. Hitler's hate for the Jews is not the same Hate that we find today. Similar possibly but not the same. Hate like love can grow and decline with time. Death is the same- One, death is an act that only happens once so if you can die the same way a couple of times, you might have a case to plead. Two, we are dying of diseases now that no one would have thought of 100 years ago, not that we've now diagnosed them, but that we've made issues that have caused problems. Think of the black plague that once was, well, a plague but now we don't think about it. Writing has came along way, music along way, smiling isn't constant, moods are definitely not consistent. Seriously, the only thing that can be consistent is the one thing that exists outside of time, thats God and his Love for us (captial L different kind) (and i know that's kind of two things, but his Love is part of Him so it counts as one.) It's just amazing at the fact that every possible thing I can think of changes but one all but one, and no matter how you try to bend or skew it or stretch it and put it to the limit, it still never changes. It's a beautiful thing.

Jesus, the man.

So I've kind of wondered about Jesus as a dude. Not so much focusing on being God. Granted yes, I know he was 100% God, but he was also 100% man. So I wonder about the man side. I wonder how he carried himself. Most of us, atleast I didn't really think about Jesus as a guy. The Bible says he was sinless, but never says he was perfect, we just assume that he was. But I wonder about his grades in school. Did he have to study really hard? What was his favorite class? Did he get straight A's or was he more of a C student? It often reads that jesus didn't heal everyone, that he sent others away without touching them to save them from their infirmiries, but I wondered why and found that it was that wasn't his job. His job wasn't to heal everyone by touching them, by teaching in every synagog, it was all part of it and everything he did should be closely looked at, but he didn't do it all. He did what he was called to do. He did what his purpose was. So in that same sense, did Jesus do well in school, or was his purpose to focus on other stuff.

How did he react when the girls in junior high started flirting with him? How many girls were in-love with him? How did he gently turn them down saying. . . what would he say? I can't be slowed down by you? This isn't my purpose. There's someone specifically for you, (in his head: "Bill Hendricks of Jerusalem, he's a tentmaker"). But we think we should give everything our all, but we shouldn't really. Cause Jesus didn't give his everything to every aspect. If he would, he never would have accomplished half the stuff he would have? So did he pour himself into his studies? what about his carpentry? Did he pick it up right away? Did he smash his fingers? Did Jesus ever break a bone? Did Jesus fart in public? (you laugh, or maybe you think it's sacrilegious, but the Bible says he was human and he walked the earth. Therefore: by not accepting or thinking about him as a man is really getting an inaccurate picture of Jesus and ergo an inaccurate picture of God, which means your worshiping a false God. Ok, I know thats a bit of a stretch and whatever, but i think you get my point of why I want to see Jesus as a guy. Also, by seeing Jesus as a human it shows us a little more of how us, as humans should live. Sorry, I forgo to end the parenthesis so here's the end. ) <-see that was it.

I also wonder what his favorite food was. Did he like vegetables? Did he try to give them to the dog? Did he have a dog, ok maybe not a dog but a pet in general? If so what did he name it? Did he cry when it died? Was Jesus ever heart broken when he had to leave Mary and Joseph to start his ministry? Did he ever look back and get sad? Did he miss his friends from his childhood that had moved on. Did he ever contact an old friend to catch up? or did he always know exactly what was up? How would that conversation go if he did know? what would you say to the other person?

Was Jesus good at sports? What was his favorite one? Was he an introvert or extrovert? Was he good at art? (i mean helped make the world, but was he good with paints and sculpture?) What would it be like sitting through a bible study with him? Would he lead the conversation or would he let others figure it out for themselves and just help along the way? Did he play an instrument? which one? did he ever wish he could play one but couldn't? Did he ever want more? Not just more people and more God, but like more choices for food, or more musical ability, more free time? Well, I guess not cause he would have been content with whatever he has provided for him.



But then another thought comes up. If you don't see Jesus as the Son of God, the Messiah, the Lamb of God, the ultimate Sacrifice, the One, if you only see this man named Jesus of Nazareth as a historical figure, what would you think? The history books record him, but do they record him because he is simply the head of one of the largest world religions? Muhammad and Buddah both fit into that category, but they both had moral teachings: how to treat each other, yourself, nature, all of that jazz. They theorized and hypothesized and came up with formulas and awesome sayings that could change the world or the way it looked at things. But how often do you see Jesus quoted by a non-believer. I'll quote Ghandi, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." It's an awesome quote, and makes a very good point.

Wikipedia says on the "Historical Jesus" that "He preached the Kingdom of God, using pithy (precisely meaningful; forceful and brief) parables with startling imagery and was renowned as a teacher and a healer." It's a good start, but hmmm. It seems like it's missing some key elements in the life of Jesus. you know the whole coming back to life thing, but i guess thats not something you want to write in History books. It could cause someone to be uncomfortable, it could cause some thoughts, it could cause a revolution. a revolution is what I'm praying for. For the world to see who Jesus really is and to love and be in love with him. what the world would be like. . .

Mono?

I've been debating weather or not I should tell people I have mono. I've told the leadership team and the servant leadership team. Part of me says no, don't they'll make a big deal out of it. Part of me says yes, the more people know the more people can pray. So I've been going back and forth between weather or not people should know. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if the reason it's no is selfish and prideful.

I dont know why, but no one really wants to show when they're hurting or when they're not 100%. We think it makes us tougher or stronger. In the words of the Bridge Band, "I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak. Cause when I'm weak, I know You're strong."

Anyways I've been going back and forth and praying about it. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone to know so they don't treat me like a little baby. Maybe it's because I don't really want to admit I can't do everything to everyone. Maybe if I'm weak people think they can't trust me in my decisions in cru. Maybe it's because people wouldn't come to me for help, but instead they would keep it inside. I want to help, I love to help. It unfortunately is what keeps me going some days is when I can help other people.

I do want to do it so other people know I'm not just a gloomy gus. (or is that prideful in caring what other people think of me?) But I want to get to know people and hang out with them, and I don't want people to think I don't care. People could know so they know not to expect me to be doing everything I usually do. It will help give other people a push to take the initiative to step up. I do want people to know because last night Kristen asked me if I had it and after I admited it she asked how are you doing all of this? (cru stuff - setting up, playing, everything) and I just pointed up. I want people to know that I have absolutely no strength of my own. It is only what God supplies me that keeps me moving ahead. Which sadly enough is true everyday for everyone, but it took me to be scraping the bottom of the barrel before I would realize that. But I want people to see that it's God who's keeping me going. I could also just use the prayer. I'm a firm believer in it. It's worked pretty well for me for a while now so we'll go with it. Plus, I felt so touched and cared for when Kristen said, well I'm praying for you. It was such an encouragment to know that someone I don't really know that well cares enough to spend time talking to the creator of the universe for me.

I hit two verses today:
Mark 4:21-24
He said to them, "Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear."
"Consider carefully what you hear," he continued. "With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more.
.
^I kind of feel like God's going yep. You should tell people. It's not about you. I looked up the words disclosed -(to make known; reveal or uncover) and consealed (To keep from being seen, found, observed, or discovered; hide.) and neither one of those helped me back out of telling people.

James 5:14-16
Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
.
Yeah, I almost feel like a bit of a hippocrit because other people will tell me stuff and I"ll be like we'll lets tell people and let them be praying and all. I'll almost get mad at people when they won't let other people know so they can pray. But it's easy to help someone else, no one likes to admit their hurting or that people shouldn't know. It's easy to look at someone else adn say yeah we'll pray and lets get this and this adn this and lets go, but I dont want to make a big deal about me. I don't want people to know I'm hurting. I don't want people to think I'm a trooper, (selfishly yes, but I want whatever I do to point to God and show that it's only him behind me lifting up my lifeless body and carrying it through.)
So it looks like the more I talk about this, the more it seems obvious to tell people. "To live life transparently so others may see what's inside of me," was one of the things that came about this summer and I realized I need to do, and now I know what I need to do.
.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9

Love that Covers Sins. . .?

I'm a little bumfuzzled about this one. I started out in James 5:19-20:

"My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover a multitude of sins."

The multitude of sins is what caught me awkward. I had read that somewhere else before and it didn't make sense to me then either. So I googled it and found it was in 1 Peter 4:7-8:

The end of all things is near. Therefor be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. "

Ok, to start with I think that he's making a very important point saying to be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Not so that we can act or lead others or serve, but just to pray. It shows the power behind prayer and that prayer is really the most powerful thing we can do. Hmm... I was just going to mention that but now that I think about it right before the first verses in James he says, "Therefore confess yours sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. THE PRAYER OF A RIGHTEOUS MAN IS POWERFUL AND EFFECTIVE" v16. So it makes me wonder how love covers a multitude of sins is related with prayer, apparently very closely.

But what I couldn't understand is how our love can cover sins? If it was love in general, I think it would be obvious they were talking about Jesus love and how he loved us so much to die on the cross, shedding his blood and "covering a multitude of sins". But in the verses it's talking to us, people, the church. . . .

My footnotes/commentary stuff in James say that it's talking about a Christian backslider, one who's saved, but isn't walking with God. It says "James urges Christians to help backsliders return to God. By taking hte iniative, praying for the person, and activating in love, we can meet the person where he or she is and bing him or her back to God and his forgiveness" - That seems like it's a lot dependent on us, but maybe he was meaning that it's Christ in us, but we have to be that willing vessel to go reach out. God can do a butload of crap through us, but we have to be willing to go.

I'm thinking it's talking about loving them no matter where they're are at and, in love, showing them where they're wrong and how to get back. . . . I think of when Jesus was walking and the deamon possessed man just came up and threw himself down infront of God, or Zacchaeus, he just went to his house and his love and his holiness convicted them of what they did wrong without even having to say anything. He didn't really call them out, his lifestyle just showed them what they were doing wrong. Like you think somethings white until you lay down something really white next to it then you realize how dirty the first thing is. Maybe thats why as we walk in Love and live a life of Love, the righteouness, we will show the world there's something better, something more white. It's not by saying look at us, it's by saying, look in me. Look at whats in me thats better than me. That kind of makes since that we should live a life of Love so that others see where they're wrong. One of the verses it references is Romans 11:13-14

"I am talking to you Gentiles . Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the Gentiles, I make much of my ministry in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people to envy and save some of them."

I didn't really understand how that fit in to everything until now. In the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people to envy. Looking back Valerie was one of the ones who really got me wanting more out of my religious experience, who helped show me it was a relationship. She had something that I wanted, I didnt' know what it was. She was in-love with God, and was passionate about it, I wanted that. Even last night, Jud said something that he was just talking about himself and how he missed T really bad to where it was hurting him inside, and he said it realized it was because he hadn't been filled by God. Just him living his life of love helped me envy, and realize crap, thats me too. Ok maybe a bad reasoning, but with Valerie definitely. We cause people to envy what we've got so that they can have it to. It's like we remind people how good life was with God and that leads them back to asking for forgiveness. Thats how Love covers sin. It's the big L not the little l. But it's the Love that we show. It is the Christ in us, it's when we walk in Love - so it does kind of require our obedience, but it's still the God, big L, Love thats making a difference in others lives.

The other place that it referenced that stuck out is when Jesus summarizes the Law in Matt 22: 37-40.

"Jesus replied: ' 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with allyour soul and with all your mind' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.' "

Interesting that he said the Prophets hang on this stuff too. Hmmm. That with all the wisdom and all the knowledge and their direct communication with God, it's still about Love.

So lesson for Today: Fall in Love with God. Love others outside of your own capability, and walk in Love.

Every Opportunity

There's a verse that talks about making use of every opportunity given. I had forgotten that every minute is an opporunity. Everything happens for a reason, God is still writing our story and helping direct our lives, even when we forget or aren't listening to the director.

One of the reoccuring things since this summer is STOP THE LIES. Recognizing the lies and not listening to them, but instead, cast out the lies with the truth. the word. The only way to tell a lie is to lay the truth beside it and prove it. To bring the statment into the light and determine if its a lie or the truth. Bringing it into the light requires getting it out of your head and the truth is the word of God.

I started to fall for the over cautiousness of legalism. I didnt want to read my Bible because I felt like I had to, to be a good Christian, but when your not getting a constant input of truth, slight exaggerations and lies can begin to escalade until you believe major lies.

I was talking to Jonathan Rollins about it and how I felt like it was hard to hear Gods voice. I knew he was talking still, but there was so much ambient noise coming in that I couldn't distinguish which was God and which was lies. I knew they were conflicting, but neither one seemed to be so obvious that it was God or not, both seemed to have the possibility of being from God. Jonathan then asked about my Bible reading. I said me and God had had some good times, but I had been trying to connect with Him through different ways, praying, nature, music. He said that it was good but challenged my Bible reading. It frustrated me cause I felt like it was just a stupid suggestion that was obvious and almost seemed like it was legalistic. So I figured why not, I'll try anything. So I started to just sit down and read, no idea what i was suppose to read, or what or when or how it would apply, just sat down and started. A day passed and nothing really came out, but I wasn't giving up. The next day there it was. I dont even know what it was, but hearing Gods voice reminded me just what it sounded like and helped distinguish which was which and what exactly God talks like and what he would or wouldn't say. But of course, the lessons I learn, aren't just for me.

I was talking to one of my friend who was really having trouble with their major and wondering if this is really what they wanted to do and should do, and if they could do. I mentioned the fact that in this case, I could think of two reaons: it's either God breaking you so that you quit trying to do it yourself and lean more on Him, or it's you listening to the lies. I asked if this is what they thought God wanted them to do? They said this summer yes. I mentioned the fact that I don't think he would have changed His mind in that amount of time, (since this school year has been a rough time between God and them, and this summer was a very close time for the two). So I mentioned it seems as if it's lies that they are believing. I told her about Jonathan and I talking and how I hated it but he was right. And how the only way to tell a lie is to put it next to the truth. They responded with the last time they touched their bible was when going to church two weeks ago. They said they had been praying and stuff, but no truth-time. hmmm... yeah. so easy to begin to hear the lies in times like these.

We also talked about how they were trying to help everyone and how if they're not getting a constant input of truth, bad advice might start coming out. and how we both agreed that God could take care of it better than we could, but that to best help someone we really need to snuggle up next to God and draw close to Him so that we can hear Him better and better help others. Both of us would rather help someone else than help ourselves, so it was kind of one more reason why we need to both dig into the word/truth more.

On Tuesday I called Mr. Buchanan to ask if we could practice at the church for cru. We were talking about what he was doing and he said workin on the sermon. So I asked what was up on the chopping block. He said they were working through the sermon on the mount and were on the Matt 7:13-14. Bout wide is the gate and broad is the road to destruction, but small is the gate and narrow is the road that leads to life. We'll that was cool. Then, in the middle of Spanish class on Tuesday night, I get a text from Lynsi with those exact two verses in them, nothing else. I was alittle freaked out. I figured God was trying to tell me something but I didn't know what. I talked to Mr. Buchanan and Lynsi both the next day and neither one had any idea. So I had been looking at those verses trying to figure out what God was saying with them. I was in the library looking at them this afternoon when my friend came up and we started talking. So I spun the Bible around and pointed them out and said what does this do for you? I think God had been setting up them saying, it's not going to be easy, especially when everyone else around you seems to be falling off and backing away. That only "few will find it" but that we shoudl try to go through that gate and continue on the narrow way, even when it's not easy. Few will find it, we are the few. Continue on. It was really cool to see how God had been setting this up all week. I think there's more there, but I dont know what yet. The most out of every opportunity.

Eventually we talked about talking to God and how we like to fall asleep praying because it's like we're snuggling up in His arms where its safe and warm and can find rest there, like a little kid in a parents arms. But one thing that Randy had mentioned to me which came back around and reminded me I need to do it more is when we pray, what's the ratio of time we talk and time we listen? I realized I talk alot when I pray and need to listen more. My friend realized it too.

I'm not writing this to prove what I've done, cause it's nothing. God just spoke to me and to my friend and reminded us what we need to be doing and what will help us both. And so, I write it here to remind myself later what I need to be doing. If it helps someone else too whose listening to lies, awesome. If not, it's helped me and a friend. God is faithful. My friend ran over got their ipod and brought me back a song that reminded them of their life. Here's some lyrics that apply:

Once again, settling for second best
Turn the page and skip to the end to where I swore that I would try
Since the last time I crossed that line in the back of my mind I know ...

It only hurts when your eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets open
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken

I thought they were appropriate since it talks about lies are tossed and truth is spoken. It says it hurts though, I heard the other day, "The truth will set you free, sometimes though, it just makes you feel like crap first."

I'm glad God never lets go and is always directing.

just a thought

So I just had one of those random thoughts.

You don't look for something until you need it.

but seriously no one ever looks for soemthing until they need it. and maybe those who look for things before they need them are the people who make a big difference. those who are well prepared and educated can take control of the situation..

maybe thats what makes Jesus looking for us so special. like he left the 99 sheep to find the one, not because he needed it.

Rockstars are people too

It's an awkward feeling. I'm not a rockstar, heck, i'm not even in the band, but it's an awkward feeling to be touring with those who could be. 

I think often times we hold professional musicians in high regard or on a pedestal. But after touring with them, I see how human they are. I'm amazed how God can take a normal person who He has gifted with the ability to play the guitar, and with that person taking a risk to serve Him he uses them in such a big way. 

To us, we get up in the morning, drive to wherever the next concert is, (occasionally stopping for bathroom breaks and fast food or a grocery story for fruit.) Then we get to the venue, set up (or watch as the band does), pray,  shoot the concert, talk to people (try and get into spiritual conversations and let them know about God), then pack up, go grab some food, and go to wherever we're spending the night. Get up and do it again the next day. To us it seems like kind of small things, just what we can do, its not that big of deal, but to someone else all they see is this band come in, (bringing their own promotional team), rock out, then are cool enough to hang around and talk to (wanting to talk) the audience about their own personal life.  Then they head off to do another concert somewhere else in the U.S.

I don't know. When people pray for us, or our host family was talking about us on the phone last night and it seemed like a big deal. "Actually, I've actually got a group of college student here who are touring with a band that goes around the country doing secular concerts and sharing the gospel with people." and I was thinking "Dang that sounds cool, thats such a cool thing.. . . oh wait, thats us!"

It just amazes me at how God can use one average person and the gifts he's given them, (even if they're not big stuff), and amplify their gifts to use them to compliment others gifts and make a big splash. 

LIVE FROM FLORENCE, SC

So I didn't really get a chance to update everyone, but the media team is going on tour with Swerve. We're on our way now to meet up with them in North Myrtle Beach. We'll get to do outreach with them and the other projects they play for and do some evangelism. We'll also be shooting video and photographs and doing some other promotional stuff for them while we're here. I'm pretty excited about getting some sharing experience, a little nervous, but excited too. 

Today, we just drove, and drove, and drove. About 13 hrs actually. We stopped for hour and half or so total to eat and gas up. The ride did go faster, but was also more fun than I expected. Ok, maybe not faster since we got in around a little after 11:30. But I don't have alot of time before I crash, so I wanted to give you an update on some of the bands.

Mangofish played for an air force base in North Dakota and it went very well. When asked about the hotel they stayed at they said it was really nice. Sarah walked in and walked paster her fridge and microwave and walked over to her leather couch which was sitting in front of a plasma screen tv. She thought it was a pull-out couch until she saw like this 10 foot hallway which lead into a bedroom with a "huge bed." And each member of the band got their own room. There's an agreement with the host that supports them and sets up the concert that the host must provide a place to sleep and meals for the band. Well, no one expected anything like that for the band. Sarah's words were "I like the government when it works for me!"

Ritmo D had a couple of concerts already. One got rained out, but as a result of the first one 3 people started a relationship with God and they had one rededication and the concert they had tonight brought in 4 more kids of the King. :) pretty excited bout that!

Swerve had a show at chic-fil-a in Carmel, IN before all the bands split out and they did a good job. Christine said that they were treated like rock stars, the manager would come over every 5 minutes or so and ask if they needed water, or if he could take their trash or anything. They said they were treated very well. In fact, Chic-fil-a asked for an autographed poster of the band so that they could frame it and hang it up in their store! Swerve's famous! 

Quick prayer requests: (apparently Indiana was the safe zone) Lindsey (singer for swerve) has pink eye: Ryan (musical director of POP) broke his toe today at beach in Minnesota: Gloria (tour manager for Ritmo D) rolled her ankle in someone's yard in New York: and Lauren (one of the other graphic designers) sprained her ankle last week playing tennis so she's still on crutches. 

Thank you all. You guys are awesome and prayers are a powerful thing. I'll leave you with an interesting quote to think about.

Love that is not expressed is not love.

Rocking Church & Mangofish

Ok. So the last few entries have seemed a little negative. I didn't mean for them to seem that way, it's just showing you some of the brokenness I've been going through, and some of the lessons I've learned. Good psychology and many people skills, and lessons about people, as well as myself. Everything is much better now, so if you were worrying. . .don't. God doesn't want you to, it's in the Bible, alot.

It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to sit down and write some about what we've been doing, so I hope to get in some good time now. Actually, right now I'm waiting for my beard trimmer to charge up. I started to cut my hair and shave it again, got about half way and the battery died. So it looked like I got in a fight with a weedeater. Of course, I figured it didn't really matter, so I went out and tossed the frisbee around a little with Thew and talked about our plans for tonight. I came back in and almost finished up but haven't quite got it there and it died again. lol. Lesson learned.

Tonight is the first dress rehearsal of the bands. Mangofish goes on at 6:30 to run through their set. I think they said they were expecting between a hundred and 120 people coming. Mangofish is the rock band by the way. They had to be there by 4 to get a sound check and run through some things. Thew and I are going to shoot the concert tonight, (with video-cameras.) I'm kind of excited about that. I think some of the guys are going to dress "scene" tonight. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I think its some sort of style that people wear and apparently its appropriate for a rock concert.

Speaking of rocking, Jesus rocks. haha. I went to a church called Bridgeway last week where we had had a meeting so a bunch of us went to check out what their service was like, and its 5 min away from the apartments. It was really good but I didn't know if it was just a one time deal, but I went back today and learned, no it wasn't. They had two different preachers in the two weeks, and both of them were passionate, had good gestures (something I"ve noticed now after comm. drills), were biblically based, and made me think a different way than I had before.

Today, he talked about creativity and how God created something out of nothing. "In the beginning God created. . ." the word "created" in Hebrew is Ex-Nihilio which means "out of nothing." He said if we can believe, if we have enough faith to believe that, then the rest of the Bible is easy to believe. He said alot of people question a lot of things about that. One point I wont forget he was talking about when he got to Heaven, questions he'd ask Jesus. He said he'd ask him how old Adam and Eve were when he created them? It's kind of funny, but then he explained why thats relative. Adam and Eve could have been 7 years old, 12, 24, 46, 74 years old.

This is added on since the concert:

Mangofish performed last night and they rocked it. They did an awesome job. I was pretty impressed, plus there was a good turn out and a bit of a mosh-pit at a few points. They are leaving out tomorrow morning by 7am at the latest. So if you would like to pray for their safety, their headed to Montana first, so all day tomorrow is just driving. They did a very good job and are well prepared, I was getting tired filming then after an hour of rocking and all the adrenaline pumping, so I figure they were worn out too. We had to go back in and wake Nolan, the drummer, up this morning before we left. I told him now he's acting like a rock star, rocking all night, then sleeping in late the next day. Of course late was 8:30 so maybe it wasn't too bad. It turns out that they didn't have to be here until 10 so I felt a little dumb.

Anyways, Swerve (pop-rock), and Level 3.16 (the Impact Gospel-Hip-Hop Band) have their dress rehearsals tonight. So that should be good. It's awesome being able to have free live concerts every night, especially when its music you know and people you know too. It's not all fun and games tho, thew and I work pretty hard to get all of the right shots and make them look good. Well, to me though, it's fun. So I enjoy it. I got to walk around the edge of the stage and stand up on boxes and amps and all this different stuff to get shots. And I went up and crawled behind the drummer to get some shots of like the pedal on the base drum. It was pretty cool. 

But I have to go now cause I'm off to shoot the next concert. 

Love, Peace, and Chicken Greace

(but the greatest is Love)

To aid another, you must first cross the bridge

(7-10-08 - Keynote - Post P&W in East Street Studios)

I guess one of the things I've been struggling with the most is my emotions and my feelings. It's kind of ironic. . . well, no it's God. But I had just read about the armor of God, kind of on accident, but then God showed me this great thing from it. My bible even has a side-note about them. I included it in the journal entry, but what it puts about guarding the heart with the breastplate of Righteousness was good. It mentions that the devil often attacks our heart - the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust. God's breastplate of righteousness protects our heart and ensures his approval. I guess one of the things I can learn is this righteousness to focus on my righteousness in Christ. Who am I in Christ? What does he have to say about me? Him and Him only, not what others think, or even what other Christians say about me or what other Christians say he says. Look it up. Dig in. . . .

The easiest way to learn how to fix a problem is to go through the problem yourself. It's not comfortable or easy, it sucks and is painful, but you come out with your faith strengthened and personally strengthened. You understand why, you have a deeper understanding, you see more details of Gods face, you get rid of yourself a little more. You also get hope. Hope because it's easier to believe next time that God will come through like he said he would. Maybe confidence in Hope. Along with perseverance, when you have have hope and confidence that God will do what he says and that he is in control, its easier to persevere. Unfortunately, at-least for me, I often kind of ask for God's credentials to see if he can handle the job. I want for God to prove himself to me first, so that next time its easier to preserve. - - Ok heres some verses that puts what I just said into an order - Romans 5:1-5. (Verses 3 and 4 and 5 are when it gets to the point, but all of its really good so I'll just throw it in too.) (I mean heck, it's the bible, it's God's words in writing, it's all good.)

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, (2) through, whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (3) Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Dang. Tail end of v2. "we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God." We rejoice in the hope of it. In the ideal that we might be able to bring a smile and bring honor to the creator of the world. We are ecstatic because we have the opportunity to entertain the creator of the world. On a much smaller version, it's like being a comedian who gets to go to the White-house to do my act for the President, except he will help you write your stuff, and he smiles just for coming there. You don't even have to make him crack up. He enjoys just your presence.

I want to be able to help people. I want to be able to help them not be in pain, but to do that effectively I kind of have to have gone through it. I mean those who I feel like God's spoken through me to others and that they've found peace and understand with, it's the situations I've gone through. So maybe, God's letting me experience all of these different feelings and problems now, when I'm in a safe environment, surrounded by believers (people seeking God, and not just that but people, who know a lot more about it than I do), and can get help to go through with their help and support. Therefor, after going through this and coming through, I'll be able to help others come through it and grow in their faith.

Learned a lesson.

Tuesday(7/8): We'll I'll admit it. I haven't been having a great time while I'm here. Everything here I love, so putting them together should be perfect but it just hasn't been great. I've been thinking alot, alot alot. It came up during Paul and I's discipleship time this morning and he had some very keen observations and thoughts. Note: this took an hour and half and alot of thinking through things but I'm going to try and shorten it up and put some of it, but it may not make since.

I kind of had the feeling coming here that I had when I went to college. I didn't know anyone or what exactly I was doing. I was in a new place, I knew God wanted me there, and everyone kept telling me I'd love it. So both times I didn't think about it too much so I didn't get my expectations up to later be let down.

So through many thoughts and tangents and facts we kind of came to this fact. The only thing I could really enjoy is when we play volleyball. I know I should enjoy other things and they are all things I love, but volleyball is when I can relax. We realized that was really the only time my mind had mental breathing room. Volleyball came natural to me because God has blessed me with being athletic. Finally, my brain had something it knew and had a default response to, something it didn't have to work really hard to do. Everything else my brain was working hard and straining for.

Personally - Didn't know anyone, so my mind is working very hard to remember names, places, siblings, location, major, instrument, and general facts about 70 new people.

Graphically - I was nervous about what I needed to do, if I had enough training, how long it would take me to do things, if anyone actually liked it, what new designs, logos, creations, thoughts I could think of. Some of this I shouldn't have worried about, and some of it is just trying to get the creative juices flowing (side note: God showed me a way to think outside of the box. "What if" questions. Ask random things, "What if tree's didn't reproduce themselves?" "What if people were shorter than dogs?" "What if people were so excited about Jesus that there were church services each day of the week to accommodate all of the people? "). And as you can see in a min, with my brain trying to process everything else, creative juices, weren't making their way through all of the other things. So if the creative juices weren't flowing, I had to think even harder to get ideas.

Location - I'm two states away, which may not be alot but its very flat. (I don't know what flat has to do with it.) IIt's kind of a different setting here. Heck, I go to school 3 hrs away from home, in the same state and its a completely different setting. Consciously, it doesn't really bother me that much, being in Indiana, but I'm trying to take it all in and notice the differences so I can tell people later, explain things, and have stories. That, and when all the cultures kind of slam together with all the other states represented here, its more untangling to do.

Spiritually - I didn't just come here to draw on the computer. They've been throwing out some pretty hard hitting questions. Questions that make you think (which I love) about what and how I think, how it applies in my life, who should I share it with? All good things but just a little much while in addition to everything else. Plus, God and I weren't exactly on a high note when I got here, we were going up, but he was teaching me alot about what had happened, what was happening, why it happened, how we'll prevent it next time and he helped me scrape off any crud that had clung back on. (scrape is a good word, scraping something is effective in removing it from the object, but often times doesn't feel too great to that object.)

Expectationally - Summer project is a time for God to change me into someone completely different. I'm not sure whether or not expectations are good. I guess some ways they are. I had expectations for what my life should be when I left, but I didn't have expectations on what was going to happen when I got here and how it was going to happen. But I knew God was going to work on me and change me, or at least that what everyone else says about summer project and their summer. Summer Project, they say, is the penicle of what Campus Crusade has to offer, it's really the best thing and when you can grow the most. So I wanted that, I wanted to serve God, but I wanted to grow closer to Him and be more like Him. So instead of just living one day and a time and learning from each thing, I tried to collect and analyze everything so God could use it later. Through talking to Paul, God showed us that its like watching a movie. (Yes, if you know me I love analogies and illustrations) I was living like I was watching a movie for class, one of the ones that you know your going to have a test at the end, but you don't know what the questions are. You sit there and analyze each part of the movie, drastically taking notes, and over thinking each thing about it. You don't enjoy the movie because your thinking way too hard about insignificant details. Thats the way I as living. I believe God is telling me to watch/live the movie, life, summer project, to pay attention to what's going on, but to enjoy the movie. You only get to watch the movie once. The idea is more of watch the movie, learn how you can apply it to your life, and enjoy the movie. I was trying to gather as much information as I could and, I guess, kinda of learn things myself. I was trying to gather up all of this info or ammunition so when God decided to show it to me, He could use it. (Yes, I realize now that I have figured out what I was doing and that it does sound very stupid, I know God will use what he wants to get to me. ) and no, I'm not saying go through life so ho-hum. But seek him and let him do the rest. I have been trying way to hard to change and to learn. It's like I was trying to read the chapter on Graphing Calculus Functions and trying to learn it, as oppose to listening to the teacher who knows it a lot better and learning from him. Yes you still have to pay attention and work at it, but . . .I think you know what I'm saying.

You can sort of see how thinking about all of this stuff took up most of my mental free time. I was analyzing nearly every look, sigh, glance, facial expression, action, blah blah, you know. It's like of like at school, I could get some alone time in with God and dig deep and think hard for say 10 min - to an two hours or so during some bible studies. Then after that I would go back to something familiar so my brain had breathing room, time to process and let the information sink in. I had default responses to things I could do without thinking or without thinking very hard, like I was using another part of my brain and letting the other side cool off. But here, I was going about 17 hours a day nearly non-stop. After that I would just crash. I was so worn out. I even debated thought I might have mono again, but my glands weren't swollen. I was also eating alot, so I hoped that meant I was growing physically, (well i hoped i was growing spiritually too but usually with physical food, you physically grow.) I kind of realized with all of this thinking all the time, it was very wearing, and I was putting a lot of pressure on myself (graphically, personally, spiritually, etc). In every area I was putting pressure on myself and that lead to some anxiety and maybe some worry. (I didn't want to let anyone down.) I didn't realize it until Paul brought it up the possibility but it makes since. I was so busy analyzing and thinking about everything I hadn't realized I was putting pressure on myself, let alone lot of it. I just needed/need to relax. I had tried to physically relax by sleeping more and sitting down and relaxing, but my mind was still racing at 300x a second. But now knowing more of what's been going on and knowing what the problem is has helped me relax. Knowing that all I need to do is relax to relax, helps me relax. haha. It's like when your so sick and you go to the doctor and they tell you that you have strept throat, and your so relieved. Your not excited about strept throat but your excited you know what it is and what to do about it. I feel much more relieved to kind of have a perspective on things.


So earlier I was talking about expectations and how summer project will change your life. We'll I typed this up as part of that, maybe rambling, then went back and realized I got off track so I'll stick this in here. It's kind of my expectation prayer, what God's been doing to answer that, and some of the things he's been teaching me through it. Here it is:


- - - - - - - I asked God to make me into someone completely different. (in my mind I meant better and more like Him), but the road he took me will make me more like Him and was a lot different than I had imagined. God is like showing me this play of life and how it works. But instead of giving Abram (my character) acting tips and hints and showing me how to be a better Abram specifically, he's letting me see the play from all the other actors on stage. (No I'm not psycho-frantic) but for example the character of Abram is usually outgoing, funny, often the center of attention, friendly, and can talk to anyone about anything (not bragging, all those are gifts from God.) But God's like "ok, for the show now, I want you to view the scene as that introvert over there who doesn't talk a lot, is supportive, has a very important roll, but isn't the main character sees. Watch how he acts, responds, replies, speaks up or doesn't speak up, listens and learns. By watching him, you'll better understand the scene, the story, and the plot you're in." (He's right by the way, incase you ever forget or it slips your mind, God's always right.) I think the biggest thing so far I've learned is perspective changing. I had kind of began to slip into one perspective type and move around in that category rather than seeing everything from everyone's perspective, not just everyone in one type of perspective. I know I don't have everyone's perspective yet, but it's like learning a language, once you learn a second one, its easier to find and learn more.

And part of it is the fact that he's just straight breaking me. A lot of things I thought that weren't that big of deal, God just decided help me clear that out of my way. So that has kind of been taking up some effort.- - - - - -



Don't get me wrong, it's not all been pain and suffering and really bad times. There have been times I've felt better and enjoyed it. Some of those times are when I think I realized what it was or why it is thats been happening, and so I relax for a little bit and enjoy myself. Eventually, my mind begins to build up its thinking, its computing, and begins to near overload. I also realized I could relax and be myself during comm. drills. (aka. public speaking practice). I know that sounds weird that I could relax at public speaking, but I've done it before and so I think my mind kind of had an automatic/defalt response, and I could just tell a story of something fun. Something my mind didn't have to think as hard about. Part of that was God, definitely God. God kind of gave me some breathing room there so I my mind wouldn't melt down by massive thought overload.

I'm just so thankful for God and God through Paul for my diagnosis. It's kind of a great relief. I know thats not all God is trying to show me from it, and I've learned alot prior to that, and I know God will continue to show me more after this, but I'm just basking in the moment of the doctor He is. It's like now I'm free to think. Before I had to, but now I know I don't have to over analyze things and focus on everything. LIke today when I was making T-Shirt designs and I had to have 3 finished by 4:30. Paul left early so our T-shirt designs aren't due til tomorrow at 9:15. But I was almost finished with the 3rd design so after I finished it I figured I'd go ahead and see if I could think of any more, just for fun. My mind began to flow, just fun thoughts. It didn't have to be anything extremely creative or aesthetically pleasing just fun t-shirts. Now that I know I dont have to think about everything, I can relax and I can hear God speaking ideas into me, not me trying to muster my own.

Who needs coffee when you get some G-man in the morning?

I just want to stop and thank God for Breon. Breon run's sound for Level 3.16, one of the Impact bands. Breon and I both started working out in the mornings so one day I asked him if I could just join him and some of his guys he lifted with. He opened me with wide arms and Christ's love. I'll admit I was a little nervous at first but he's been a very big help in my perspective switch and growth. He's helped show me that the body of Christ isn't limited to color, which I know in my mind, but when it becomes real then it's a complete different story. 

Like talking with a few of the international students who came here. We would be talking bout different things and be talking about different things. During a conversation both of us would have to ask, "Wait, what? Oh, ok. We call that ______." There was a lot of cultural differences and cultural slack in between us so the conversations were something to work at. It's not thing major, but if you've ever talked to someone from another culture or just another part of the US than you, you probably know what I'm talking about. The amazing part about it is how God is not limited to the U.S. or to even westernized culture. (People in the middle east don't need western culture, they just need Jesus. I think we may be giving them the wrong medicine.) But Jesus is so much bigger than us. When talking to Andrea (Argentina) or Bevan (New Zeland) there are cultural differences, but when we start talking about God. . . it's always the same story. Suddenly, our conversation doesn't need clarifying. In my mind I thought, "wait, they teach you this story too?!" and then I realized what I thought and "DUH!" But it was one of those things you know, but when you personally experience it, it provides so much more understanding.

Anyways, Breon has been (using a churchy word) a blessing to me. He really has shown me the body of Christ outside of what I knew it to be. Today on our run we started getting into our own personal spiritual lives and it was good. By him asking me, it added some incentive to work harder, like he was holding me accountable. When I answered what God had showed me, it kind of reinterrated it to me. I had began to forget to see the power and comfort in his words. Breon helped me remember, and it kicked off my day with God, it was a good day.

Armor

So I was looking at this one website and one of the links was spiritual warfare and I clicked it. It mentioned the Armor of God, and God began to show me how spiritual warfare attacks us, and why the Armor of God is used like it is. Maybe someone once has said it or put it this way or maybe not, but God started showing me exactly why for which piece and how it's practically applied. I tried to get thoughts into words here but I dont know if it worked or not.

Spiritual Armor - Eph 6.10-18
Belt of truth - it is the truth/belt that holds everything we have together and on. our everything is based on this truth of Jesus coming to earth, dying, and rising again for us.  Many times Satan tries to insert his lies as truth, and many times is successful. I think we believe a lot of lies that we aren't aware of. But taking lies as truth is like loosening the belt loop one notch. If the belt is too loose, the belt falls to our ankles, which slows us down or trips us up from going where we need to - in the same way, believing too many lies can slow us down and trip us up from going where we need to. 

Breastplate of righteousness - satan tries to attack our hearts by telling us - we're not good enough. we'll never be good enough. we don't deserve it. With heart breaks and low points in our lives we are slowed down or even stopped, but we guard that with righteousness. Satan attacks the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust, our pumper of life. Sometimes he tries to control our emotions, or make us feel like we don't want to do something, or don't feel like God loves me. But God has called us righteous, (morally upright, without guilt or sin). We wear a breastplate made out of some Romans 3.22 and some Romans 6.19. God see's us as worthy because we are wearing the royal breastplate that his son crafted. 

Feet fitted with gospel of peace - "If we are the body, why aren't his feet going?" - Casting Crowns. We should be taking the gospel out to everyone. Jesus said "Go," not "they'll come to you." We are to take Jesus to the world, not wait for the world to come looking for Him. We have the way for people to be connected with or have peace with the man who knows all and see's all; the guy who thought of grass; the guy who paints an original sunset in the sky each night; the guy who wants was best for us, and has it if we'd wait, listen, and accept it. We are to take the good news out, not to shove it in their faces, (which usually leads to an argument and them going away from Jesus). It doesn't say go tell them they're going to Hell, but let them know of the peace with God through Christ. (Yes, we are all going to Hell prior, but Jesus didn't just die so we could have a "Get-out-of-Hell Free card.")

Shield of faith - many attacks that come against us, many we can just block and blow off before they can get closer by holding onto what we believe. (v - with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of evil one). I think of like attacks by other religions and "science experts"with an agenda who try to shoot at us but we can defend them. We can also deflect insults, setbacks, selfishness, expectations, and temptations. I think if we, if I, would hold onto the promise set and fully understand and embrace what I believe, I could see and block the arrows sent.

Sword of the Spirit (Word of God) - we have nothing to attack with by ourselves. We can't physically throw a Bible at them. Were not fighting against "flesh and blood" but powers of the dark world and spiritual forces. Attack with spiritual tools. Do not swing wildly with a sword, but with your prayers and study of God's story, do not mumble or ramble your petitions to God, but harness and control your prayer like a sword. Use every moment and every word for a precise reason. I think of people who often try to use the Bible to prove their point, when they're point maybe true but isn't what needs to be used for. Like in a sword match, sometimes you can make a good move with a sword by swinging towards their legs and it will make them jump, when you could have thrust it into the stomach of the problem and defeated it. Sometimes we argue over Praise and Worship songs/Hymns/language used/baptism or arguments with other religions about this or that when instead we forget to approach it not by what's good or better, but what is best.  Many moves in a jousting match are good or better, but use your weapons for the best move possible, to hit the heart of the problem.

Helmet of Salvation - mind games. Satan's always trying to get into our heads making us think we're not saved or maybe we didn't do it right or this or that. Maybe doubting God? Sometimes he makes us think we're too good and we're better than that. Prideful. Other times not worthy. I think a healthy view of salvation will bring everything into perspective. It humbles us at the foot of the cross, but lifts us up to the right seat of God. When we think of what Jesus did and why, we look very insignificant. All the mind games and thoughts were stuck in can be solved or put into perspective by looking back at the cross and what happened there.

Other thoughts:
-Isn't it wierd we spent alot of money in an attempt to share the best news ever with someone? In reality, the news is good enough, we should have people trying to outbid each other so that they could hear the news next or get their questions answered. Instead we put a lot of effort, money, and time into outreach ideas. It's like we have to spend $500 dollars so that we have an opportunity for someone to come so that they can receive $8.5 million.

-Isn't it wierd that to go share Jesus with the world, we have to ask for money so that we can survive, while people who are helping murders and child molesters get out of jail are being paid thousands and thousands of dollars?

Open Mic

I mentioned the other day that we had an Open Mic night, and when your on a project with 60 some musicians, it's pretty cool. It was cool cause you could see people just walking around before and be like "dude do you know this song? Yeah? Ok" Then they'd go practice for like 20 min and get up on stage and play this new song thats till on the radio. Example, the song Soulja Boy? You know it? We'll Travis Barker did a rock version on youtube so Nolan, Brandon, and Travis (drummer, guitarist, and bass for mangofish the rockband) joined Brandon (pianst for P.O.P. - Christian Band) and Steven who did Screamer Parts (although he's the guitarist for POP) played this rock/screamer version of it, while Breon (sound tech for Level 3.16) made up a Christian Rap version of it. It rocked. Everyone was jumping around and going crazy. I got a video of it, but am having trouble getting it downloaded but if I do i'll put it up on youtube so you can enjoy it. Other people would be going up and being like, "oh we need a drummer. . . Owen come here, we're going to play this." or not even tell them and they'd just make it up as they went. Other people would get up with "we'll I didn't know what to do, so this is a song I wrote my freshman year." There was probably 8 new songs introduced of songs people wrote either in high school or like the last couple of years in college. It's pretty cool. It lasted like 2.5-3 hrs but was worth it. It was awesome. Just thought I'd share.

Guarded.

I didn't realize how guarded I am. How much of a wall I automatically put up. Even in a safe environment where no one will judge me. I am still seeking validation and for people to like me. I know who I am in Christ, but I'm afraid to open up my heart and show the scars. I talk in so many generalities just trying to skim over the surface so no one really knows who I am.

Do I always do this?

Does anyone know who I really am?

I feel lik I have to entertain to be liked. If no one laughs, not entertained. No laughter. No one likes. (Obviously now that I'm able to put it into words it's a crazy stupid statement that I know isn't true.) I want to make a difference in the world and I guess I only thought that could happen if people liked me. But it's not about me Some people who have made me think the most have ticked me off. I know thats the two extremes, but you get the idea. But I think God wants me to talk about anything, even if its not funny. I work so hard to make it funny that I don't honestly connect.

I also think I"m afraid to talk to anyone until I have it figured out about why. . . . Hmm.. . I guess it seems like the biggest areas of growth I have seen is when it comes down to me opening up and sharing with others. Sharing my heart and thoughts, even when I didn't know why or what or how. Who cares if they judge what I, my heart, looks like but there is plexiglass over it. They can't touch it or hurt it. But if they can't see what make you tick, how are they going to ever see a real picture of Jesus.

I only open my heart when it's something I've overcome, something I've dealt with and can relate to. I hardly ever open my heart. No. Thats not true. God has helped me open my heart alot more this year, but most of the time has been things I have learned and dealt with that someone else is now going through. I never really want for anyone to see me as weak or cracked. But I am weak, cracked, broken, scarred.

It's kind of like taking medicine to heal your heart. To remove a blockage or whatever off of it. Yes, the medicine will take care of the blockage, but slowly. But really, I should open up my shell and let others see and help fix the problem. It's much quicker, although, it maybe a little painful. It is very dangerous. You can't let just anyone come in and operate on your heart.

When I got here, (Keynote), I experienced complete brokenness. Any type of brokeness before was like some paint chipped off with maybe a small pice, but this was dropped off a 4-story building. It hurt so bad I lost my pride and guard and didn't care who knew. I just wanted it to feel better, for some prayers, for someone to help. Well, I guess not everyone because I didn't want to let anyone back home know because I didn't want to let any of them down. I felt like by me not being at 110% energy level and doing all these great things, I wasn't fulfilling my promise, my purpose here. (I know they would feel that way, but its one of those lies I believed) But as I told people here. I began to find some peace. Part was prayer helping. Part, I think, was God saying, "ok, now you're starting to learn this lesson."

As the pain started to subside and I began to be comfortable and God started healing, I starting raising these walls back up to guard level. Defense mode.

I realized that after comm. drill today. I thought maybe I just didn't get into the details because I wanted to keep it short. But I realized when I do give details I give more facts and specifics rather than feelings and honest conversation. I told the story from a mechanical standpoint. As others are up there crying or cautiously revealing their hearts to us, I am just trying to get a check mark and entertain. There's a difference in telling details and telling emotions and feelings to connect with people. The mechanical story might match with one or two people in five hundred, but the idea behind it , the emotions and feelings and plot interactions will reach hundreds. There's a difference in the events of a show and the story of a movie.

But still I feel as if i'm talking in generalities. I'm talking about what I do, no specifics. I guess the reason I don't talk in specifics is that I can't think of them off the top of my head. Specifics require me to dig into myself and analyze what I do and why I do it. I have no problem doing that to other people, learning about them. But when you turn the scalpel on yourself to see what's on the inside, the pain feels even worse because it's like a self-inflicted pain. I admire the man who can turn his own analyzing eyes on himself and (without judgement, self-loathing, or lowering opinion on oneself) determine how and why he works. Once the skin is split open, then you can find the leach or lie or hinderance that is stopping you from functioning at full capacity or stopping you from doing what God wants.

I think part of this pain that it causes is because in our mind, well at-least mine, I've set up mental blocks to prevent me from going there. It's like my mind is this giant plane of marble. And there's different, activities or events or things I could experience or do in different sectors. But I've set up these mental walls, maybe fears or insecurities, or maybe they're precautionary walls that warn me not to go into this sector because I'll get hurt if I go over there. This wall has a sign that says "Virus Contained! DO NOT ENTER!" But I am a scientist. I have the resources to combat the virus and stop it. It won't be easy and it will infect me before I can create an antivirus. But no one else can get in to fight it. I can have encouragement from other doctors who will assist me in the battle. But usually they only have access to the wall. They can talk through an intercom, but can't always see whats on the other side but are willing to help.

I could go on and ignore the wall and just enjoy the clear spots that aren't being blocked off, but there are many virus contained, and these walls are preventing me from living a life as freely as I could. God has helped me tear down a lot of walls, but each one I had to go into and deal with and face before I could tear down the walls. The virus is also growing. The walls are expanding and growing into the freed areas. When they were all together they could move freely and intertwine with each other. But now that some have been destroyed and there is freedom to move, the viruses are growing, some slower than others. Some have even began teaming up with other viruses to morph together so that one cannot be destroyed easily. They hope that I'll get weak and worn down and give up the fight so that they'll survive.

I think one of the walls is fear. Fear has entangled itself with many of the other viruses. It feeds off of them. So when one is destroyed, it still lives on in others. Fear has different sub-categories: not being good enough, looks from others, Another virus is Lack-of-Confidence. Yet it seems as if the antidote for that feeds the Pride virus. One antidote will seemingly destroy the Lack-of-Confidence virus and will feed the Pride virus. But the antidote of Humility and Identity, (your opinion of yourself is not suaded by praise or criticism or what other think, but from a deeper core value - something bigger than you), will over destroy that. But constant application (like taking your vitamins everyday) of that will boost your immune system. If you destroy the virus, trace amounts will still be left, held in submission, by the antidote. If constant application is not applied, your immune system will go down and the virus can grow back. The key is to continually finding antidotes and attacking the viruses. You will probably have to take breaks, because you will experience fatigue by trying to conquer all at once. A steady, daily balance of attack and defense will provide a healthy mind and expanded freedom and joy.