I've been debating weather or not I should tell people I have mono. I've told the leadership team and the servant leadership team. Part of me says no, don't they'll make a big deal out of it. Part of me says yes, the more people know the more people can pray. So I've been going back and forth between weather or not people should know. The more I think about it, the more it seems as if the reason it's no is selfish and prideful.
I dont know why, but no one really wants to show when they're hurting or when they're not 100%. We think it makes us tougher or stronger. In the words of the Bridge Band, "I don't want to be strong, I want to be weak. Cause when I'm weak, I know You're strong."
Anyways I've been going back and forth and praying about it. Maybe it's because I don't want anyone to know so they don't treat me like a little baby. Maybe it's because I don't really want to admit I can't do everything to everyone. Maybe if I'm weak people think they can't trust me in my decisions in cru. Maybe it's because people wouldn't come to me for help, but instead they would keep it inside. I want to help, I love to help. It unfortunately is what keeps me going some days is when I can help other people.
I do want to do it so other people know I'm not just a gloomy gus. (or is that prideful in caring what other people think of me?) But I want to get to know people and hang out with them, and I don't want people to think I don't care. People could know so they know not to expect me to be doing everything I usually do. It will help give other people a push to take the initiative to step up. I do want people to know because last night Kristen asked me if I had it and after I admited it she asked how are you doing all of this? (cru stuff - setting up, playing, everything) and I just pointed up. I want people to know that I have absolutely no strength of my own. It is only what God supplies me that keeps me moving ahead. Which sadly enough is true everyday for everyone, but it took me to be scraping the bottom of the barrel before I would realize that. But I want people to see that it's God who's keeping me going. I could also just use the prayer. I'm a firm believer in it. It's worked pretty well for me for a while now so we'll go with it. Plus, I felt so touched and cared for when Kristen said, well I'm praying for you. It was such an encouragment to know that someone I don't really know that well cares enough to spend time talking to the creator of the universe for me.
I hit two verses today:
Mark 4:21-24
He said to them, "Do you bring in a lamp to put it under a bowl or a bed? Instead, don't you put it on its stand? For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out into the open. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear."
"Consider carefully what you hear," he continued. "With the measure you use, it will be measured to you—and even more.
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^I kind of feel like God's going yep. You should tell people. It's not about you. I looked up the words disclosed -(to make known; reveal or uncover) and consealed (To keep from being seen, found, observed, or discovered; hide.) and neither one of those helped me back out of telling people.
James 5:14-16
Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
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Yeah, I almost feel like a bit of a hippocrit because other people will tell me stuff and I"ll be like we'll lets tell people and let them be praying and all. I'll almost get mad at people when they won't let other people know so they can pray. But it's easy to help someone else, no one likes to admit their hurting or that people shouldn't know. It's easy to look at someone else adn say yeah we'll pray and lets get this and this adn this and lets go, but I dont want to make a big deal about me. I don't want people to know I'm hurting. I don't want people to think I'm a trooper, (selfishly yes, but I want whatever I do to point to God and show that it's only him behind me lifting up my lifeless body and carrying it through.)
So it looks like the more I talk about this, the more it seems obvious to tell people. "To live life transparently so others may see what's inside of me," was one of the things that came about this summer and I realized I need to do, and now I know what I need to do.
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"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
- 2 Corinthians 12:9
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