Guarded.

I didn't realize how guarded I am. How much of a wall I automatically put up. Even in a safe environment where no one will judge me. I am still seeking validation and for people to like me. I know who I am in Christ, but I'm afraid to open up my heart and show the scars. I talk in so many generalities just trying to skim over the surface so no one really knows who I am.

Do I always do this?

Does anyone know who I really am?

I feel lik I have to entertain to be liked. If no one laughs, not entertained. No laughter. No one likes. (Obviously now that I'm able to put it into words it's a crazy stupid statement that I know isn't true.) I want to make a difference in the world and I guess I only thought that could happen if people liked me. But it's not about me Some people who have made me think the most have ticked me off. I know thats the two extremes, but you get the idea. But I think God wants me to talk about anything, even if its not funny. I work so hard to make it funny that I don't honestly connect.

I also think I"m afraid to talk to anyone until I have it figured out about why. . . . Hmm.. . I guess it seems like the biggest areas of growth I have seen is when it comes down to me opening up and sharing with others. Sharing my heart and thoughts, even when I didn't know why or what or how. Who cares if they judge what I, my heart, looks like but there is plexiglass over it. They can't touch it or hurt it. But if they can't see what make you tick, how are they going to ever see a real picture of Jesus.

I only open my heart when it's something I've overcome, something I've dealt with and can relate to. I hardly ever open my heart. No. Thats not true. God has helped me open my heart alot more this year, but most of the time has been things I have learned and dealt with that someone else is now going through. I never really want for anyone to see me as weak or cracked. But I am weak, cracked, broken, scarred.

It's kind of like taking medicine to heal your heart. To remove a blockage or whatever off of it. Yes, the medicine will take care of the blockage, but slowly. But really, I should open up my shell and let others see and help fix the problem. It's much quicker, although, it maybe a little painful. It is very dangerous. You can't let just anyone come in and operate on your heart.

When I got here, (Keynote), I experienced complete brokenness. Any type of brokeness before was like some paint chipped off with maybe a small pice, but this was dropped off a 4-story building. It hurt so bad I lost my pride and guard and didn't care who knew. I just wanted it to feel better, for some prayers, for someone to help. Well, I guess not everyone because I didn't want to let anyone back home know because I didn't want to let any of them down. I felt like by me not being at 110% energy level and doing all these great things, I wasn't fulfilling my promise, my purpose here. (I know they would feel that way, but its one of those lies I believed) But as I told people here. I began to find some peace. Part was prayer helping. Part, I think, was God saying, "ok, now you're starting to learn this lesson."

As the pain started to subside and I began to be comfortable and God started healing, I starting raising these walls back up to guard level. Defense mode.

I realized that after comm. drill today. I thought maybe I just didn't get into the details because I wanted to keep it short. But I realized when I do give details I give more facts and specifics rather than feelings and honest conversation. I told the story from a mechanical standpoint. As others are up there crying or cautiously revealing their hearts to us, I am just trying to get a check mark and entertain. There's a difference in telling details and telling emotions and feelings to connect with people. The mechanical story might match with one or two people in five hundred, but the idea behind it , the emotions and feelings and plot interactions will reach hundreds. There's a difference in the events of a show and the story of a movie.

But still I feel as if i'm talking in generalities. I'm talking about what I do, no specifics. I guess the reason I don't talk in specifics is that I can't think of them off the top of my head. Specifics require me to dig into myself and analyze what I do and why I do it. I have no problem doing that to other people, learning about them. But when you turn the scalpel on yourself to see what's on the inside, the pain feels even worse because it's like a self-inflicted pain. I admire the man who can turn his own analyzing eyes on himself and (without judgement, self-loathing, or lowering opinion on oneself) determine how and why he works. Once the skin is split open, then you can find the leach or lie or hinderance that is stopping you from functioning at full capacity or stopping you from doing what God wants.

I think part of this pain that it causes is because in our mind, well at-least mine, I've set up mental blocks to prevent me from going there. It's like my mind is this giant plane of marble. And there's different, activities or events or things I could experience or do in different sectors. But I've set up these mental walls, maybe fears or insecurities, or maybe they're precautionary walls that warn me not to go into this sector because I'll get hurt if I go over there. This wall has a sign that says "Virus Contained! DO NOT ENTER!" But I am a scientist. I have the resources to combat the virus and stop it. It won't be easy and it will infect me before I can create an antivirus. But no one else can get in to fight it. I can have encouragement from other doctors who will assist me in the battle. But usually they only have access to the wall. They can talk through an intercom, but can't always see whats on the other side but are willing to help.

I could go on and ignore the wall and just enjoy the clear spots that aren't being blocked off, but there are many virus contained, and these walls are preventing me from living a life as freely as I could. God has helped me tear down a lot of walls, but each one I had to go into and deal with and face before I could tear down the walls. The virus is also growing. The walls are expanding and growing into the freed areas. When they were all together they could move freely and intertwine with each other. But now that some have been destroyed and there is freedom to move, the viruses are growing, some slower than others. Some have even began teaming up with other viruses to morph together so that one cannot be destroyed easily. They hope that I'll get weak and worn down and give up the fight so that they'll survive.

I think one of the walls is fear. Fear has entangled itself with many of the other viruses. It feeds off of them. So when one is destroyed, it still lives on in others. Fear has different sub-categories: not being good enough, looks from others, Another virus is Lack-of-Confidence. Yet it seems as if the antidote for that feeds the Pride virus. One antidote will seemingly destroy the Lack-of-Confidence virus and will feed the Pride virus. But the antidote of Humility and Identity, (your opinion of yourself is not suaded by praise or criticism or what other think, but from a deeper core value - something bigger than you), will over destroy that. But constant application (like taking your vitamins everyday) of that will boost your immune system. If you destroy the virus, trace amounts will still be left, held in submission, by the antidote. If constant application is not applied, your immune system will go down and the virus can grow back. The key is to continually finding antidotes and attacking the viruses. You will probably have to take breaks, because you will experience fatigue by trying to conquer all at once. A steady, daily balance of attack and defense will provide a healthy mind and expanded freedom and joy.