Where do I fit?

When a big fish in a small pond gets thrown into an ocean, he's humbled.

I'm not saying I'm a big fish, but perhaps my spiritual attitude was that I was. For that, I am truly sorry if I've came across as egotistical or looking down on people. I found myself being elevated by other people because my obedience requires me to move geographical locations and perhaps I believed it too much. Here's what happens though is the more you're complimented in an area, the more you begin to define yourself with that area. When your identity is not completely encapsulated in Jesus, then the rest can sway with compliments and criticisms.

Here's how it looks like:
I get praises because I'm so bold for going to China or going out and talking to people. I consider myself bold. I come to Redding where I find out I'm afraid of a ton of things, and there are people here who seem to have no fear. I am told I am very wise and knowledgeable, I'm a good leader. I come to Redding and find out that I have no idea what's going on or about most of what they're talking about. I was told I'm funny. I come here and people have a different sense of humor and I have no idea what they're talking about to make jokes. I thought I knew alot about China or missions, until there are Chinese people here and missionaries who have lived over seas for decades. I can continue to go down the list of things problem solving skills, music, painting, design, diligence, athletic, knowledge of the Bible, prayer life, hearing from God, etc. Anything I could begin to feel good about myself for, there's someone here who is phenomenally better at it than me. Many times it's within my household. So not just on the grand scale, but in small group hang out settings I find myself repeating the same question every time I go into a new group. So what's my role here? Where do I fit in? 

At times I've tried to cover it up with service. I'll be the servant guy. So I serve a ton so I know that's my role. Other times, I'll be the smart guy. I'll study a lot, know a lot, be able to help them with it, and have the answers. So I'll throw myself into those things. I'll make posters and be the creative art guy who has ideas and pictures and stuff. Then throw myself into that.

One by one, these things get shot down. Others serve well with you, other know more than you, more athletic, don't like the same style as you make, etc. I realize in this that I'm not actually living life. I'm scrambling around heaving all of my energy from one segment of life into the other trying to find where I fit in? This isn't the "Just give it time and you'll find friends" fix. This is my whole life I continue this phase of trying to fit in, then once I find my place I don't want it to end, change, or move because I now know how I fit.

I've heard people say it, and I've said it too before, We just need to know our identity in Christ. That's awesome and true, but I don't know fully what that means. I've said it, taught it, lead a Bible Study on it, and still don't fully get it. To be honest, it's highly frustrating.  I know in my head what that should mean, but my heart is not yet on the same wavelength. So this is one reason why I decided to come to Bethel is because they push your identity so much.   This post is really just to let you know where I'm at honestly and what I will be learning and hope to be able to enunciate well to you in the next few months. I'll leave you with a quote that I'm going to meditate on more today:

"If it's true that the value of something is measured by what someone else will pay, then we need to rethink our worth." - Bill Johnson, When Heaven Invades Earth

Considering the glory of Heaven was ransomed for me, should change my view on me. I want to get that in every way possible. I hope you get it too.