Rockstars are people too

It's an awkward feeling. I'm not a rockstar, heck, i'm not even in the band, but it's an awkward feeling to be touring with those who could be. 

I think often times we hold professional musicians in high regard or on a pedestal. But after touring with them, I see how human they are. I'm amazed how God can take a normal person who He has gifted with the ability to play the guitar, and with that person taking a risk to serve Him he uses them in such a big way. 

To us, we get up in the morning, drive to wherever the next concert is, (occasionally stopping for bathroom breaks and fast food or a grocery story for fruit.) Then we get to the venue, set up (or watch as the band does), pray,  shoot the concert, talk to people (try and get into spiritual conversations and let them know about God), then pack up, go grab some food, and go to wherever we're spending the night. Get up and do it again the next day. To us it seems like kind of small things, just what we can do, its not that big of deal, but to someone else all they see is this band come in, (bringing their own promotional team), rock out, then are cool enough to hang around and talk to (wanting to talk) the audience about their own personal life.  Then they head off to do another concert somewhere else in the U.S.

I don't know. When people pray for us, or our host family was talking about us on the phone last night and it seemed like a big deal. "Actually, I've actually got a group of college student here who are touring with a band that goes around the country doing secular concerts and sharing the gospel with people." and I was thinking "Dang that sounds cool, thats such a cool thing.. . . oh wait, thats us!"

It just amazes me at how God can use one average person and the gifts he's given them, (even if they're not big stuff), and amplify their gifts to use them to compliment others gifts and make a big splash. 

LIVE FROM FLORENCE, SC

So I didn't really get a chance to update everyone, but the media team is going on tour with Swerve. We're on our way now to meet up with them in North Myrtle Beach. We'll get to do outreach with them and the other projects they play for and do some evangelism. We'll also be shooting video and photographs and doing some other promotional stuff for them while we're here. I'm pretty excited about getting some sharing experience, a little nervous, but excited too. 

Today, we just drove, and drove, and drove. About 13 hrs actually. We stopped for hour and half or so total to eat and gas up. The ride did go faster, but was also more fun than I expected. Ok, maybe not faster since we got in around a little after 11:30. But I don't have alot of time before I crash, so I wanted to give you an update on some of the bands.

Mangofish played for an air force base in North Dakota and it went very well. When asked about the hotel they stayed at they said it was really nice. Sarah walked in and walked paster her fridge and microwave and walked over to her leather couch which was sitting in front of a plasma screen tv. She thought it was a pull-out couch until she saw like this 10 foot hallway which lead into a bedroom with a "huge bed." And each member of the band got their own room. There's an agreement with the host that supports them and sets up the concert that the host must provide a place to sleep and meals for the band. Well, no one expected anything like that for the band. Sarah's words were "I like the government when it works for me!"

Ritmo D had a couple of concerts already. One got rained out, but as a result of the first one 3 people started a relationship with God and they had one rededication and the concert they had tonight brought in 4 more kids of the King. :) pretty excited bout that!

Swerve had a show at chic-fil-a in Carmel, IN before all the bands split out and they did a good job. Christine said that they were treated like rock stars, the manager would come over every 5 minutes or so and ask if they needed water, or if he could take their trash or anything. They said they were treated very well. In fact, Chic-fil-a asked for an autographed poster of the band so that they could frame it and hang it up in their store! Swerve's famous! 

Quick prayer requests: (apparently Indiana was the safe zone) Lindsey (singer for swerve) has pink eye: Ryan (musical director of POP) broke his toe today at beach in Minnesota: Gloria (tour manager for Ritmo D) rolled her ankle in someone's yard in New York: and Lauren (one of the other graphic designers) sprained her ankle last week playing tennis so she's still on crutches. 

Thank you all. You guys are awesome and prayers are a powerful thing. I'll leave you with an interesting quote to think about.

Love that is not expressed is not love.

Rocking Church & Mangofish

Ok. So the last few entries have seemed a little negative. I didn't mean for them to seem that way, it's just showing you some of the brokenness I've been going through, and some of the lessons I've learned. Good psychology and many people skills, and lessons about people, as well as myself. Everything is much better now, so if you were worrying. . .don't. God doesn't want you to, it's in the Bible, alot.

It's been a while since I've gotten the chance to sit down and write some about what we've been doing, so I hope to get in some good time now. Actually, right now I'm waiting for my beard trimmer to charge up. I started to cut my hair and shave it again, got about half way and the battery died. So it looked like I got in a fight with a weedeater. Of course, I figured it didn't really matter, so I went out and tossed the frisbee around a little with Thew and talked about our plans for tonight. I came back in and almost finished up but haven't quite got it there and it died again. lol. Lesson learned.

Tonight is the first dress rehearsal of the bands. Mangofish goes on at 6:30 to run through their set. I think they said they were expecting between a hundred and 120 people coming. Mangofish is the rock band by the way. They had to be there by 4 to get a sound check and run through some things. Thew and I are going to shoot the concert tonight, (with video-cameras.) I'm kind of excited about that. I think some of the guys are going to dress "scene" tonight. I'm not sure exactly what that is, but I think its some sort of style that people wear and apparently its appropriate for a rock concert.

Speaking of rocking, Jesus rocks. haha. I went to a church called Bridgeway last week where we had had a meeting so a bunch of us went to check out what their service was like, and its 5 min away from the apartments. It was really good but I didn't know if it was just a one time deal, but I went back today and learned, no it wasn't. They had two different preachers in the two weeks, and both of them were passionate, had good gestures (something I"ve noticed now after comm. drills), were biblically based, and made me think a different way than I had before.

Today, he talked about creativity and how God created something out of nothing. "In the beginning God created. . ." the word "created" in Hebrew is Ex-Nihilio which means "out of nothing." He said if we can believe, if we have enough faith to believe that, then the rest of the Bible is easy to believe. He said alot of people question a lot of things about that. One point I wont forget he was talking about when he got to Heaven, questions he'd ask Jesus. He said he'd ask him how old Adam and Eve were when he created them? It's kind of funny, but then he explained why thats relative. Adam and Eve could have been 7 years old, 12, 24, 46, 74 years old.

This is added on since the concert:

Mangofish performed last night and they rocked it. They did an awesome job. I was pretty impressed, plus there was a good turn out and a bit of a mosh-pit at a few points. They are leaving out tomorrow morning by 7am at the latest. So if you would like to pray for their safety, their headed to Montana first, so all day tomorrow is just driving. They did a very good job and are well prepared, I was getting tired filming then after an hour of rocking and all the adrenaline pumping, so I figure they were worn out too. We had to go back in and wake Nolan, the drummer, up this morning before we left. I told him now he's acting like a rock star, rocking all night, then sleeping in late the next day. Of course late was 8:30 so maybe it wasn't too bad. It turns out that they didn't have to be here until 10 so I felt a little dumb.

Anyways, Swerve (pop-rock), and Level 3.16 (the Impact Gospel-Hip-Hop Band) have their dress rehearsals tonight. So that should be good. It's awesome being able to have free live concerts every night, especially when its music you know and people you know too. It's not all fun and games tho, thew and I work pretty hard to get all of the right shots and make them look good. Well, to me though, it's fun. So I enjoy it. I got to walk around the edge of the stage and stand up on boxes and amps and all this different stuff to get shots. And I went up and crawled behind the drummer to get some shots of like the pedal on the base drum. It was pretty cool. 

But I have to go now cause I'm off to shoot the next concert. 

Love, Peace, and Chicken Greace

(but the greatest is Love)

To aid another, you must first cross the bridge

(7-10-08 - Keynote - Post P&W in East Street Studios)

I guess one of the things I've been struggling with the most is my emotions and my feelings. It's kind of ironic. . . well, no it's God. But I had just read about the armor of God, kind of on accident, but then God showed me this great thing from it. My bible even has a side-note about them. I included it in the journal entry, but what it puts about guarding the heart with the breastplate of Righteousness was good. It mentions that the devil often attacks our heart - the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust. God's breastplate of righteousness protects our heart and ensures his approval. I guess one of the things I can learn is this righteousness to focus on my righteousness in Christ. Who am I in Christ? What does he have to say about me? Him and Him only, not what others think, or even what other Christians say about me or what other Christians say he says. Look it up. Dig in. . . .

The easiest way to learn how to fix a problem is to go through the problem yourself. It's not comfortable or easy, it sucks and is painful, but you come out with your faith strengthened and personally strengthened. You understand why, you have a deeper understanding, you see more details of Gods face, you get rid of yourself a little more. You also get hope. Hope because it's easier to believe next time that God will come through like he said he would. Maybe confidence in Hope. Along with perseverance, when you have have hope and confidence that God will do what he says and that he is in control, its easier to persevere. Unfortunately, at-least for me, I often kind of ask for God's credentials to see if he can handle the job. I want for God to prove himself to me first, so that next time its easier to preserve. - - Ok heres some verses that puts what I just said into an order - Romans 5:1-5. (Verses 3 and 4 and 5 are when it gets to the point, but all of its really good so I'll just throw it in too.) (I mean heck, it's the bible, it's God's words in writing, it's all good.)

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, (2) through, whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. (3) Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; (4) perseverance, character; and character, hope. (5) And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Dang. Tail end of v2. "we rejoice in the HOPE of the glory of God." We rejoice in the hope of it. In the ideal that we might be able to bring a smile and bring honor to the creator of the world. We are ecstatic because we have the opportunity to entertain the creator of the world. On a much smaller version, it's like being a comedian who gets to go to the White-house to do my act for the President, except he will help you write your stuff, and he smiles just for coming there. You don't even have to make him crack up. He enjoys just your presence.

I want to be able to help people. I want to be able to help them not be in pain, but to do that effectively I kind of have to have gone through it. I mean those who I feel like God's spoken through me to others and that they've found peace and understand with, it's the situations I've gone through. So maybe, God's letting me experience all of these different feelings and problems now, when I'm in a safe environment, surrounded by believers (people seeking God, and not just that but people, who know a lot more about it than I do), and can get help to go through with their help and support. Therefor, after going through this and coming through, I'll be able to help others come through it and grow in their faith.

Learned a lesson.

Tuesday(7/8): We'll I'll admit it. I haven't been having a great time while I'm here. Everything here I love, so putting them together should be perfect but it just hasn't been great. I've been thinking alot, alot alot. It came up during Paul and I's discipleship time this morning and he had some very keen observations and thoughts. Note: this took an hour and half and alot of thinking through things but I'm going to try and shorten it up and put some of it, but it may not make since.

I kind of had the feeling coming here that I had when I went to college. I didn't know anyone or what exactly I was doing. I was in a new place, I knew God wanted me there, and everyone kept telling me I'd love it. So both times I didn't think about it too much so I didn't get my expectations up to later be let down.

So through many thoughts and tangents and facts we kind of came to this fact. The only thing I could really enjoy is when we play volleyball. I know I should enjoy other things and they are all things I love, but volleyball is when I can relax. We realized that was really the only time my mind had mental breathing room. Volleyball came natural to me because God has blessed me with being athletic. Finally, my brain had something it knew and had a default response to, something it didn't have to work really hard to do. Everything else my brain was working hard and straining for.

Personally - Didn't know anyone, so my mind is working very hard to remember names, places, siblings, location, major, instrument, and general facts about 70 new people.

Graphically - I was nervous about what I needed to do, if I had enough training, how long it would take me to do things, if anyone actually liked it, what new designs, logos, creations, thoughts I could think of. Some of this I shouldn't have worried about, and some of it is just trying to get the creative juices flowing (side note: God showed me a way to think outside of the box. "What if" questions. Ask random things, "What if tree's didn't reproduce themselves?" "What if people were shorter than dogs?" "What if people were so excited about Jesus that there were church services each day of the week to accommodate all of the people? "). And as you can see in a min, with my brain trying to process everything else, creative juices, weren't making their way through all of the other things. So if the creative juices weren't flowing, I had to think even harder to get ideas.

Location - I'm two states away, which may not be alot but its very flat. (I don't know what flat has to do with it.) IIt's kind of a different setting here. Heck, I go to school 3 hrs away from home, in the same state and its a completely different setting. Consciously, it doesn't really bother me that much, being in Indiana, but I'm trying to take it all in and notice the differences so I can tell people later, explain things, and have stories. That, and when all the cultures kind of slam together with all the other states represented here, its more untangling to do.

Spiritually - I didn't just come here to draw on the computer. They've been throwing out some pretty hard hitting questions. Questions that make you think (which I love) about what and how I think, how it applies in my life, who should I share it with? All good things but just a little much while in addition to everything else. Plus, God and I weren't exactly on a high note when I got here, we were going up, but he was teaching me alot about what had happened, what was happening, why it happened, how we'll prevent it next time and he helped me scrape off any crud that had clung back on. (scrape is a good word, scraping something is effective in removing it from the object, but often times doesn't feel too great to that object.)

Expectationally - Summer project is a time for God to change me into someone completely different. I'm not sure whether or not expectations are good. I guess some ways they are. I had expectations for what my life should be when I left, but I didn't have expectations on what was going to happen when I got here and how it was going to happen. But I knew God was going to work on me and change me, or at least that what everyone else says about summer project and their summer. Summer Project, they say, is the penicle of what Campus Crusade has to offer, it's really the best thing and when you can grow the most. So I wanted that, I wanted to serve God, but I wanted to grow closer to Him and be more like Him. So instead of just living one day and a time and learning from each thing, I tried to collect and analyze everything so God could use it later. Through talking to Paul, God showed us that its like watching a movie. (Yes, if you know me I love analogies and illustrations) I was living like I was watching a movie for class, one of the ones that you know your going to have a test at the end, but you don't know what the questions are. You sit there and analyze each part of the movie, drastically taking notes, and over thinking each thing about it. You don't enjoy the movie because your thinking way too hard about insignificant details. Thats the way I as living. I believe God is telling me to watch/live the movie, life, summer project, to pay attention to what's going on, but to enjoy the movie. You only get to watch the movie once. The idea is more of watch the movie, learn how you can apply it to your life, and enjoy the movie. I was trying to gather as much information as I could and, I guess, kinda of learn things myself. I was trying to gather up all of this info or ammunition so when God decided to show it to me, He could use it. (Yes, I realize now that I have figured out what I was doing and that it does sound very stupid, I know God will use what he wants to get to me. ) and no, I'm not saying go through life so ho-hum. But seek him and let him do the rest. I have been trying way to hard to change and to learn. It's like I was trying to read the chapter on Graphing Calculus Functions and trying to learn it, as oppose to listening to the teacher who knows it a lot better and learning from him. Yes you still have to pay attention and work at it, but . . .I think you know what I'm saying.

You can sort of see how thinking about all of this stuff took up most of my mental free time. I was analyzing nearly every look, sigh, glance, facial expression, action, blah blah, you know. It's like of like at school, I could get some alone time in with God and dig deep and think hard for say 10 min - to an two hours or so during some bible studies. Then after that I would go back to something familiar so my brain had breathing room, time to process and let the information sink in. I had default responses to things I could do without thinking or without thinking very hard, like I was using another part of my brain and letting the other side cool off. But here, I was going about 17 hours a day nearly non-stop. After that I would just crash. I was so worn out. I even debated thought I might have mono again, but my glands weren't swollen. I was also eating alot, so I hoped that meant I was growing physically, (well i hoped i was growing spiritually too but usually with physical food, you physically grow.) I kind of realized with all of this thinking all the time, it was very wearing, and I was putting a lot of pressure on myself (graphically, personally, spiritually, etc). In every area I was putting pressure on myself and that lead to some anxiety and maybe some worry. (I didn't want to let anyone down.) I didn't realize it until Paul brought it up the possibility but it makes since. I was so busy analyzing and thinking about everything I hadn't realized I was putting pressure on myself, let alone lot of it. I just needed/need to relax. I had tried to physically relax by sleeping more and sitting down and relaxing, but my mind was still racing at 300x a second. But now knowing more of what's been going on and knowing what the problem is has helped me relax. Knowing that all I need to do is relax to relax, helps me relax. haha. It's like when your so sick and you go to the doctor and they tell you that you have strept throat, and your so relieved. Your not excited about strept throat but your excited you know what it is and what to do about it. I feel much more relieved to kind of have a perspective on things.


So earlier I was talking about expectations and how summer project will change your life. We'll I typed this up as part of that, maybe rambling, then went back and realized I got off track so I'll stick this in here. It's kind of my expectation prayer, what God's been doing to answer that, and some of the things he's been teaching me through it. Here it is:


- - - - - - - I asked God to make me into someone completely different. (in my mind I meant better and more like Him), but the road he took me will make me more like Him and was a lot different than I had imagined. God is like showing me this play of life and how it works. But instead of giving Abram (my character) acting tips and hints and showing me how to be a better Abram specifically, he's letting me see the play from all the other actors on stage. (No I'm not psycho-frantic) but for example the character of Abram is usually outgoing, funny, often the center of attention, friendly, and can talk to anyone about anything (not bragging, all those are gifts from God.) But God's like "ok, for the show now, I want you to view the scene as that introvert over there who doesn't talk a lot, is supportive, has a very important roll, but isn't the main character sees. Watch how he acts, responds, replies, speaks up or doesn't speak up, listens and learns. By watching him, you'll better understand the scene, the story, and the plot you're in." (He's right by the way, incase you ever forget or it slips your mind, God's always right.) I think the biggest thing so far I've learned is perspective changing. I had kind of began to slip into one perspective type and move around in that category rather than seeing everything from everyone's perspective, not just everyone in one type of perspective. I know I don't have everyone's perspective yet, but it's like learning a language, once you learn a second one, its easier to find and learn more.

And part of it is the fact that he's just straight breaking me. A lot of things I thought that weren't that big of deal, God just decided help me clear that out of my way. So that has kind of been taking up some effort.- - - - - -



Don't get me wrong, it's not all been pain and suffering and really bad times. There have been times I've felt better and enjoyed it. Some of those times are when I think I realized what it was or why it is thats been happening, and so I relax for a little bit and enjoy myself. Eventually, my mind begins to build up its thinking, its computing, and begins to near overload. I also realized I could relax and be myself during comm. drills. (aka. public speaking practice). I know that sounds weird that I could relax at public speaking, but I've done it before and so I think my mind kind of had an automatic/defalt response, and I could just tell a story of something fun. Something my mind didn't have to think as hard about. Part of that was God, definitely God. God kind of gave me some breathing room there so I my mind wouldn't melt down by massive thought overload.

I'm just so thankful for God and God through Paul for my diagnosis. It's kind of a great relief. I know thats not all God is trying to show me from it, and I've learned alot prior to that, and I know God will continue to show me more after this, but I'm just basking in the moment of the doctor He is. It's like now I'm free to think. Before I had to, but now I know I don't have to over analyze things and focus on everything. LIke today when I was making T-Shirt designs and I had to have 3 finished by 4:30. Paul left early so our T-shirt designs aren't due til tomorrow at 9:15. But I was almost finished with the 3rd design so after I finished it I figured I'd go ahead and see if I could think of any more, just for fun. My mind began to flow, just fun thoughts. It didn't have to be anything extremely creative or aesthetically pleasing just fun t-shirts. Now that I know I dont have to think about everything, I can relax and I can hear God speaking ideas into me, not me trying to muster my own.

Who needs coffee when you get some G-man in the morning?

I just want to stop and thank God for Breon. Breon run's sound for Level 3.16, one of the Impact bands. Breon and I both started working out in the mornings so one day I asked him if I could just join him and some of his guys he lifted with. He opened me with wide arms and Christ's love. I'll admit I was a little nervous at first but he's been a very big help in my perspective switch and growth. He's helped show me that the body of Christ isn't limited to color, which I know in my mind, but when it becomes real then it's a complete different story. 

Like talking with a few of the international students who came here. We would be talking bout different things and be talking about different things. During a conversation both of us would have to ask, "Wait, what? Oh, ok. We call that ______." There was a lot of cultural differences and cultural slack in between us so the conversations were something to work at. It's not thing major, but if you've ever talked to someone from another culture or just another part of the US than you, you probably know what I'm talking about. The amazing part about it is how God is not limited to the U.S. or to even westernized culture. (People in the middle east don't need western culture, they just need Jesus. I think we may be giving them the wrong medicine.) But Jesus is so much bigger than us. When talking to Andrea (Argentina) or Bevan (New Zeland) there are cultural differences, but when we start talking about God. . . it's always the same story. Suddenly, our conversation doesn't need clarifying. In my mind I thought, "wait, they teach you this story too?!" and then I realized what I thought and "DUH!" But it was one of those things you know, but when you personally experience it, it provides so much more understanding.

Anyways, Breon has been (using a churchy word) a blessing to me. He really has shown me the body of Christ outside of what I knew it to be. Today on our run we started getting into our own personal spiritual lives and it was good. By him asking me, it added some incentive to work harder, like he was holding me accountable. When I answered what God had showed me, it kind of reinterrated it to me. I had began to forget to see the power and comfort in his words. Breon helped me remember, and it kicked off my day with God, it was a good day.

Armor

So I was looking at this one website and one of the links was spiritual warfare and I clicked it. It mentioned the Armor of God, and God began to show me how spiritual warfare attacks us, and why the Armor of God is used like it is. Maybe someone once has said it or put it this way or maybe not, but God started showing me exactly why for which piece and how it's practically applied. I tried to get thoughts into words here but I dont know if it worked or not.

Spiritual Armor - Eph 6.10-18
Belt of truth - it is the truth/belt that holds everything we have together and on. our everything is based on this truth of Jesus coming to earth, dying, and rising again for us.  Many times Satan tries to insert his lies as truth, and many times is successful. I think we believe a lot of lies that we aren't aware of. But taking lies as truth is like loosening the belt loop one notch. If the belt is too loose, the belt falls to our ankles, which slows us down or trips us up from going where we need to - in the same way, believing too many lies can slow us down and trip us up from going where we need to. 

Breastplate of righteousness - satan tries to attack our hearts by telling us - we're not good enough. we'll never be good enough. we don't deserve it. With heart breaks and low points in our lives we are slowed down or even stopped, but we guard that with righteousness. Satan attacks the seat of our emotions, self-worth, and trust, our pumper of life. Sometimes he tries to control our emotions, or make us feel like we don't want to do something, or don't feel like God loves me. But God has called us righteous, (morally upright, without guilt or sin). We wear a breastplate made out of some Romans 3.22 and some Romans 6.19. God see's us as worthy because we are wearing the royal breastplate that his son crafted. 

Feet fitted with gospel of peace - "If we are the body, why aren't his feet going?" - Casting Crowns. We should be taking the gospel out to everyone. Jesus said "Go," not "they'll come to you." We are to take Jesus to the world, not wait for the world to come looking for Him. We have the way for people to be connected with or have peace with the man who knows all and see's all; the guy who thought of grass; the guy who paints an original sunset in the sky each night; the guy who wants was best for us, and has it if we'd wait, listen, and accept it. We are to take the good news out, not to shove it in their faces, (which usually leads to an argument and them going away from Jesus). It doesn't say go tell them they're going to Hell, but let them know of the peace with God through Christ. (Yes, we are all going to Hell prior, but Jesus didn't just die so we could have a "Get-out-of-Hell Free card.")

Shield of faith - many attacks that come against us, many we can just block and blow off before they can get closer by holding onto what we believe. (v - with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of evil one). I think of like attacks by other religions and "science experts"with an agenda who try to shoot at us but we can defend them. We can also deflect insults, setbacks, selfishness, expectations, and temptations. I think if we, if I, would hold onto the promise set and fully understand and embrace what I believe, I could see and block the arrows sent.

Sword of the Spirit (Word of God) - we have nothing to attack with by ourselves. We can't physically throw a Bible at them. Were not fighting against "flesh and blood" but powers of the dark world and spiritual forces. Attack with spiritual tools. Do not swing wildly with a sword, but with your prayers and study of God's story, do not mumble or ramble your petitions to God, but harness and control your prayer like a sword. Use every moment and every word for a precise reason. I think of people who often try to use the Bible to prove their point, when they're point maybe true but isn't what needs to be used for. Like in a sword match, sometimes you can make a good move with a sword by swinging towards their legs and it will make them jump, when you could have thrust it into the stomach of the problem and defeated it. Sometimes we argue over Praise and Worship songs/Hymns/language used/baptism or arguments with other religions about this or that when instead we forget to approach it not by what's good or better, but what is best.  Many moves in a jousting match are good or better, but use your weapons for the best move possible, to hit the heart of the problem.

Helmet of Salvation - mind games. Satan's always trying to get into our heads making us think we're not saved or maybe we didn't do it right or this or that. Maybe doubting God? Sometimes he makes us think we're too good and we're better than that. Prideful. Other times not worthy. I think a healthy view of salvation will bring everything into perspective. It humbles us at the foot of the cross, but lifts us up to the right seat of God. When we think of what Jesus did and why, we look very insignificant. All the mind games and thoughts were stuck in can be solved or put into perspective by looking back at the cross and what happened there.

Other thoughts:
-Isn't it wierd we spent alot of money in an attempt to share the best news ever with someone? In reality, the news is good enough, we should have people trying to outbid each other so that they could hear the news next or get their questions answered. Instead we put a lot of effort, money, and time into outreach ideas. It's like we have to spend $500 dollars so that we have an opportunity for someone to come so that they can receive $8.5 million.

-Isn't it wierd that to go share Jesus with the world, we have to ask for money so that we can survive, while people who are helping murders and child molesters get out of jail are being paid thousands and thousands of dollars?

Open Mic

I mentioned the other day that we had an Open Mic night, and when your on a project with 60 some musicians, it's pretty cool. It was cool cause you could see people just walking around before and be like "dude do you know this song? Yeah? Ok" Then they'd go practice for like 20 min and get up on stage and play this new song thats till on the radio. Example, the song Soulja Boy? You know it? We'll Travis Barker did a rock version on youtube so Nolan, Brandon, and Travis (drummer, guitarist, and bass for mangofish the rockband) joined Brandon (pianst for P.O.P. - Christian Band) and Steven who did Screamer Parts (although he's the guitarist for POP) played this rock/screamer version of it, while Breon (sound tech for Level 3.16) made up a Christian Rap version of it. It rocked. Everyone was jumping around and going crazy. I got a video of it, but am having trouble getting it downloaded but if I do i'll put it up on youtube so you can enjoy it. Other people would be going up and being like, "oh we need a drummer. . . Owen come here, we're going to play this." or not even tell them and they'd just make it up as they went. Other people would get up with "we'll I didn't know what to do, so this is a song I wrote my freshman year." There was probably 8 new songs introduced of songs people wrote either in high school or like the last couple of years in college. It's pretty cool. It lasted like 2.5-3 hrs but was worth it. It was awesome. Just thought I'd share.

Guarded.

I didn't realize how guarded I am. How much of a wall I automatically put up. Even in a safe environment where no one will judge me. I am still seeking validation and for people to like me. I know who I am in Christ, but I'm afraid to open up my heart and show the scars. I talk in so many generalities just trying to skim over the surface so no one really knows who I am.

Do I always do this?

Does anyone know who I really am?

I feel lik I have to entertain to be liked. If no one laughs, not entertained. No laughter. No one likes. (Obviously now that I'm able to put it into words it's a crazy stupid statement that I know isn't true.) I want to make a difference in the world and I guess I only thought that could happen if people liked me. But it's not about me Some people who have made me think the most have ticked me off. I know thats the two extremes, but you get the idea. But I think God wants me to talk about anything, even if its not funny. I work so hard to make it funny that I don't honestly connect.

I also think I"m afraid to talk to anyone until I have it figured out about why. . . . Hmm.. . I guess it seems like the biggest areas of growth I have seen is when it comes down to me opening up and sharing with others. Sharing my heart and thoughts, even when I didn't know why or what or how. Who cares if they judge what I, my heart, looks like but there is plexiglass over it. They can't touch it or hurt it. But if they can't see what make you tick, how are they going to ever see a real picture of Jesus.

I only open my heart when it's something I've overcome, something I've dealt with and can relate to. I hardly ever open my heart. No. Thats not true. God has helped me open my heart alot more this year, but most of the time has been things I have learned and dealt with that someone else is now going through. I never really want for anyone to see me as weak or cracked. But I am weak, cracked, broken, scarred.

It's kind of like taking medicine to heal your heart. To remove a blockage or whatever off of it. Yes, the medicine will take care of the blockage, but slowly. But really, I should open up my shell and let others see and help fix the problem. It's much quicker, although, it maybe a little painful. It is very dangerous. You can't let just anyone come in and operate on your heart.

When I got here, (Keynote), I experienced complete brokenness. Any type of brokeness before was like some paint chipped off with maybe a small pice, but this was dropped off a 4-story building. It hurt so bad I lost my pride and guard and didn't care who knew. I just wanted it to feel better, for some prayers, for someone to help. Well, I guess not everyone because I didn't want to let anyone back home know because I didn't want to let any of them down. I felt like by me not being at 110% energy level and doing all these great things, I wasn't fulfilling my promise, my purpose here. (I know they would feel that way, but its one of those lies I believed) But as I told people here. I began to find some peace. Part was prayer helping. Part, I think, was God saying, "ok, now you're starting to learn this lesson."

As the pain started to subside and I began to be comfortable and God started healing, I starting raising these walls back up to guard level. Defense mode.

I realized that after comm. drill today. I thought maybe I just didn't get into the details because I wanted to keep it short. But I realized when I do give details I give more facts and specifics rather than feelings and honest conversation. I told the story from a mechanical standpoint. As others are up there crying or cautiously revealing their hearts to us, I am just trying to get a check mark and entertain. There's a difference in telling details and telling emotions and feelings to connect with people. The mechanical story might match with one or two people in five hundred, but the idea behind it , the emotions and feelings and plot interactions will reach hundreds. There's a difference in the events of a show and the story of a movie.

But still I feel as if i'm talking in generalities. I'm talking about what I do, no specifics. I guess the reason I don't talk in specifics is that I can't think of them off the top of my head. Specifics require me to dig into myself and analyze what I do and why I do it. I have no problem doing that to other people, learning about them. But when you turn the scalpel on yourself to see what's on the inside, the pain feels even worse because it's like a self-inflicted pain. I admire the man who can turn his own analyzing eyes on himself and (without judgement, self-loathing, or lowering opinion on oneself) determine how and why he works. Once the skin is split open, then you can find the leach or lie or hinderance that is stopping you from functioning at full capacity or stopping you from doing what God wants.

I think part of this pain that it causes is because in our mind, well at-least mine, I've set up mental blocks to prevent me from going there. It's like my mind is this giant plane of marble. And there's different, activities or events or things I could experience or do in different sectors. But I've set up these mental walls, maybe fears or insecurities, or maybe they're precautionary walls that warn me not to go into this sector because I'll get hurt if I go over there. This wall has a sign that says "Virus Contained! DO NOT ENTER!" But I am a scientist. I have the resources to combat the virus and stop it. It won't be easy and it will infect me before I can create an antivirus. But no one else can get in to fight it. I can have encouragement from other doctors who will assist me in the battle. But usually they only have access to the wall. They can talk through an intercom, but can't always see whats on the other side but are willing to help.

I could go on and ignore the wall and just enjoy the clear spots that aren't being blocked off, but there are many virus contained, and these walls are preventing me from living a life as freely as I could. God has helped me tear down a lot of walls, but each one I had to go into and deal with and face before I could tear down the walls. The virus is also growing. The walls are expanding and growing into the freed areas. When they were all together they could move freely and intertwine with each other. But now that some have been destroyed and there is freedom to move, the viruses are growing, some slower than others. Some have even began teaming up with other viruses to morph together so that one cannot be destroyed easily. They hope that I'll get weak and worn down and give up the fight so that they'll survive.

I think one of the walls is fear. Fear has entangled itself with many of the other viruses. It feeds off of them. So when one is destroyed, it still lives on in others. Fear has different sub-categories: not being good enough, looks from others, Another virus is Lack-of-Confidence. Yet it seems as if the antidote for that feeds the Pride virus. One antidote will seemingly destroy the Lack-of-Confidence virus and will feed the Pride virus. But the antidote of Humility and Identity, (your opinion of yourself is not suaded by praise or criticism or what other think, but from a deeper core value - something bigger than you), will over destroy that. But constant application (like taking your vitamins everyday) of that will boost your immune system. If you destroy the virus, trace amounts will still be left, held in submission, by the antidote. If constant application is not applied, your immune system will go down and the virus can grow back. The key is to continually finding antidotes and attacking the viruses. You will probably have to take breaks, because you will experience fatigue by trying to conquer all at once. A steady, daily balance of attack and defense will provide a healthy mind and expanded freedom and joy.