I'm a verbal processor, I can teach many things, I can pray and see the world changed, I write blogs that share stories of Jesus, bring revelation of who the Father really is, and challenge people to a deeper life, I can encourage lots of people, and I can just love someone with my words...but lately I haven't. It's hard to do when you don't have a voice.
If you said "hello" or called me on the phone, I would have no problem responding verbally. For I haven't lost my physical voice, but with no one paying attention - I've lost my voice.I thought it was because I'm in a class of 1100+ students. I mean, every day I sit in the civic center and have all classes with 1100+ other students. I'm used to 5-70 students Iin a class. I'm used to having a voice, a say, an importance in learning and leading. It's a process for me and others, not just information to input. I have four other smaller classes, a family group of 70, an art class of 170, a healing outreach of 150, and a small group of 4 (but even here I don't feel my voice is valued.)
I thought it was just at school until I realized I don't openly express and communicate what I'm really thinking
at home. I mold to make others comfortable and fit their style. My roommates drink and I don't. They like zombie movies and I dont. The people they hang out with at school are not the same people I do. Yet, I don't voice any of this because I didn't think it's important and trying to love them. I give alot for them, but I've never really expressed how I feel loved. It's 4:30 in the morning and I just asked my roommate to turn down the movie he's watching because its so loud. It's happened many times but this is the first time I've voiced my need or desire.
At school everyone wants to learn and receive as much as they can- which makes sense because we've all paid alot and sacrificed alot to be here. But everyone wants to be heard and few people are willing to ask questions. Were told were valuable, world changers, and important- but so many lack the skill of listening or pursuing actual relationships. They want it all, but are afraid of investing in a relationship in case they pick and miss out on something. We want revelation which is greater understanding so if someone is talking or processing through something you think you already know, then you tune out or you try to explain it to them. And you say - skip your process, here's the answer. Unless you have something new for me, I don't care and your voice isn't important.
I have an intern and family group pastor but didn't feel engaged by them. They have the "you're strong and if you need anything you can come find me" approach. Which I understand, but doesn't really show me value - that I'm pursue-able.
As I left Redding, I thought it would improve on my mission trip. It was better at first but we have a lot of dominant personalities on my team. They mean well, but often feel their voice needs to be expressed - it seems. So there were times where someone would ask the question and i would answer 4 times sitting right next to them and they still wouldn't hear me. I wasn't speaking softly. I was just baffled at the fact of how much I didn't have a voice.
I've realized how much I've downplayed what I have to say. In groups. I won't talk; in conversations, I'll ask questions; on the Internet, I've stopped blogging; and I judge how good or important my thoughts are by how many re-tweets or likes I get. Each of them seem to be dwindling further pushing these thoughts.There's these thoughts in my head that says "If you've got something important to say, people will hear you." Then there's the thought that "You can't demand respect, you must earn it." and "you can't request an ear to listen, you must prove you have something to say before someone will listen." Perhaps not. "If you've got something important to say, people will hear you."
I have to think about God on this one and see how He feels. I wonder if this season, these months, are impressing on me the heartache God has as He tries countless times to talk, to share, to encourage, to explain but no one will listen. He's not speaking softly, but is anyone listening for Him? Does anyone value Him enough to stop and turn and listen to Him and what He has to say? Of course He has something important and valuable to say. But people don't listen. People don't ask the right questions. Maybe they don't even ask questions.
Part of my heart is to see people hear God for themselves. He died for relationship with us and communication is one of if not the biggest keys in a relationship. I can't imagine how frustrated or heartbroken God has to be at times when He tries to speak but no one listens. When no one values His voice. I wonder how many people actually want to hear from God? How many people trust His character enough to want it?
Then I must continue to the second thought: "You can't demand respect, you must earn it." and "You can't request an ear to listen, you must prove you have something to say before someone will listen."Well, you can't demand respect is true- but it has already been earned and proven because God 1) made you in His image giving you value, and 2) died for you raising the price even higher. So this statement is void naturally because if you think the way Gods structured life to be then people can't earn respect, they have already been given it.
The second statement has a similar comparison but can't be considered of equal logic or weight. You can request someone to listen. We want to be pursued or engaged and if you have good friends then you do have them who come and ask questions. But if you don't or your friends don't, then you sometimes need to state your needs. "hey, can I talk something out with you?" or "do you got a second? I need to process something." The second part of that statement is also void because you do have something to say. Again, you were created in the image and likeness of God so therefore you have a unique voice and expression. To not express yourself is to void the world of that expression of God. You don't need to prove you have something to say, you DO have something to say. You've got a voice and a message, a story and a season so don't think otherwise.
I guess as I process through this myself, I realize the thoughts I've been hearing are lies and I need to express my need for an ear to process. I need to express when someone cuts me off or doesn't listen to me. (odd to tell someone they're not listening - it's like giving a painting to a blind man.) I want to be aware of how to hear and engage other people well because I think it's what were missing. And I want to make sure that people can hear the voice of God for themselves - after all relationship is what He ransomed heaven for. And I pray that my voice is returned and people actually listen - because I don't feel like myself without my voice. Thanks for reading/listening to me recovering from my lost voice.
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