Can I Have A Hug?

I was able to go home recently for a short break and see my family. Man, I was so excited to see them and hang out with them. I was so excited to get a hug from my dad. He picked me up at the airport and I threw my stuff in the back of the car and we took off. I started telling him about the people I got to talk to and pray with on the plane ride over and he just smiled. I told started telling him about all the stuff I've been learning at school and how I've changed and grown and…improved. He just kept smiling and laughing – taking interest in everything I said. By the time we got home I was so anxious to get a hug.  I thanked him for being such a good dad, for listening, for picking me up, and for…well, life, then grabbed my suitcase and headed off to bed. The next morning I got up early before anyone else and straightened up the house, washed the dishes, and even washed the windows. I went out and fixed the lawn mower and was able to cut the grass before my parents woke up.  I was getting stuff done. Man, I thought they’d be so proud. I was so stoked for this hug. It was going to be awesome.

Later that morning, Dad went over to school to do some work and I put my plan into action. I had contacted different people to call him every hour and tell him something that they appreciate about him or how he’s impacted their life. All day long he received calls from people he knew. Awesome! Meanwhile, I was at home preparing my Africa mission’s presentation for church the next day. I had more than 1,400 pictures to go through and more stories than I know to try to cut down and put into order. Unfortunately, between the pictures and trying to make a good video to show them, I ended up spending more 8 hours that afternoon and evening working on it. I wanted it to be good. It was a little frustrating because the computer kept shutting down and messing up so it took longer and I was frustrated and worn out. Dad came home but I wasn't done with my presentation yet, so I said “hi” quickly then went back to work. I wanted to make sure it was good. I know it’s not that big of deal, technically, but I wanted to make him proud. I wanted to reach and touch the people in church with the presentation and the stories. Dad ended up going ahead to bed as I glared at the computer screen until 1:30 am. But I was pretty sure I got it finished and that hug was going to be awesome!

I woke up the next morning and Dad was already up and had breakfast made. I thanked him for the food and sat down to run through the presentation one more time to make sure everything was good and fit well. He got ready as I reorganized a few things. I got almost giddy when I thought how much he was going to like this. I ran into the bathroom just quick enough to take a shower and meet Mom and Dad in the car to head to church. On the way, I told a story or two from Africa and explained how excited I was about the presentation. I was a little nervous too and Dad prayed for me so I’d do well. More than the presentation, I couldn't wait until the hug afterwards.

We got to church and Dad went to practice with the worship team. I ran to get donuts for Sunday School and made it back in time to greet everyone. I got warm welcomes and hugs from everyone who came in the door. I was so happy to see them and they were so happy to see me. It was great. I love hugs but none of them were my Dad’s hug. Cause a hug from my Dad is like no other. Soon, I was getting one. As church started the drummer had to leave suddenly, so I filled in and got to play in the band them - which was awesome to get to play music with my Dad. I went on to give my presentation about Africa and they all loved it. Dad sat in the front row and teared up a time or two. I knew this hug would be good. At the end of the service, we went to the back and said goodbye and hugged everyone... except I was giving hugs and didn't get mine.

We went out to eat after lunch afterwards with some people from the church. After the stories of healings in Africa, we decided God was the same in America. So I got to pray for our waitress who had been having back pain and all the pain left and she accepted Jesus! Everyone was so excited (and perhaps surprised). I knew this would be a bomb hug! We went back to the church afterwards and Mom and Dad laid down for a quick nap and I stayed up and worked on a drawing for a mural downstairs. I thought it would be awesome. I showed Dad when he woke up as people were coming in and he really liked it. I was pumped but ... everyone came in before I could get my hug.

The service went on and three people got saved! Each of them cried and came forward. Each one got a hug from Dad - except me. We celebrated and talked with them and heard their process of what had been going on and lead to this point. It was great but we headed home late. I was exhausted…and still without my hug. When we got home, I gave Dad a pat on the back as I dragged to my room and flopped on my bed. I was worn out from jet lag and serving and setting stuff up and presenting…but no hug. I was missing out.

I'll save you some time, the week went on. I worked my butt off. I worked at school with Dad. I served at the church. I took care of things around the house. I took them out to eat. I bathed the dogs. Good night! I did everything I could think of… but still NO HUG. I was just about downright ticked. Shoot, I was ticked.

Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore. I was talking to Dad in the kitchen and just snapped. “Dad, what else do I have to do to get a hug?! I don’t know what else I can do. Tell me, just tell me! What is it I have to do for a hug? I went to Africa. I perfected this presentation. I thanked you for the food. I told people about Jesus. I prayed for healing and saw people healed. I served at the church. I played worship music. I loved people. I helped you at work. I took care of things at the house. I kept the things of the house in order. I loved people. I helped lead them to Jesus. I even set up and organized a time of praise and appreciation to you for all that you've done for people. What else do I have to do? What am I not doing? I've done everything I can think of, why won’t you just give me a hug?!”

His eyes welled up. A steady stream began to flow and his voice quivered as he spoke. “Why do you think you have to do anything for a hug? Why do you think you have to work to experience my love? Why do you think you have to earn it? What kind of dad do you think I am, if you think you have to do things before I will love you? I already love you. I’m glad to love you. It’s my pleasure to love you. I love giving hugs. All you had to do was ask for a hug - just ask to experience my love. In fact, I've tried to give you a hug all week. I've been yearning to give you a hug but you keep walking away and running off to do other things. It’s my pleasure to love you and make my love known in a way that you can feel. Do you really feel like you have to beg me to hug you, to love you? Is that what kind of dad you think I am?”

Suddenly all my frustration turned from him to me as I realized that I was stopping myself from being loved. For some reason, I forgot that my Dad loves to gives hugs and gladly gives them out to everyone he sees. He gives them to his kids at school, his people at church, and sometimes even strangers on street. Why would I think that me, being his son, would somehow be void of his hugs or expressions of love? Why did I think I had to make him happy with me first, so he would give me a hug?

Before I was able to run down the self-hatred and “stupid-me” pathway, my Dad stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. All the tension that held my body so tight seemed to be loosened and the longer he held me the more limp I went until there I was – just fully embraced. I had no other thoughts, no other excuses or reasons, no other regrets. I realized I had no real reason, explanation  or list to propose to him for my hug. My dad loves to hug people. It's his pleasure to hug. It's my pleasure to be hugged so I'm not sure at what point I began to earn or justify the hug I desired. It was freely and gladly given. There I stood in full embrace, tears of joy and release running down my face. I had no words, no thoughts, no reasons or regrets. I just stood there with my dad, being hugged, as nothing more than an object of his affection. Content. Thankful. Hugged.. Loved.

A Season Without A Voice

I'm a verbal processor, I can teach many things, I can pray and see the world changed, I write blogs that share stories of Jesus, bring revelation of who the Father really is, and challenge people to a deeper life, I can encourage lots of people, and I can just love someone with my words...but lately I haven't. It's hard to do when you don't have a voice.

If you said "hello" or called me on the phone, I would have no problem responding verbally. For I haven't lost my physical voice, but with no one paying attention - I've lost my voice.I thought it was because I'm in a class of 1100+ students. I mean, every day I sit in the civic center and have all classes with 1100+ other students. I'm used to 5-70 students Iin a class. I'm used to having a voice, a say, an importance in learning and leading. It's a process for me and others, not just information to input. I have four other smaller classes, a family group of 70, an art class of 170, a healing outreach of 150, and a small group of 4 (but even here I don't feel my voice is valued.)

I thought it was just at school until I realized I don't openly express and communicate what I'm really thinking 
at home. I mold to make others comfortable and fit their style. My roommates drink and I don't. They like zombie movies and I dont. The people they hang out with at school are not the same people I do. Yet, I don't voice any of this because I didn't think it's important and trying to love them. I give alot for them, but I've never really expressed how I feel loved. It's 4:30 in the morning and I just asked my roommate to turn down the movie he's watching because its so loud. It's happened many times but this is the first time I've voiced my need or desire. 


At school everyone wants to learn and receive as much as they can- which makes sense because we've all paid alot and sacrificed alot to be here. But everyone wants to be heard and few people are willing to ask questions. Were told were valuable, world changers, and important- but so many lack the skill of listening or pursuing actual relationships. They want it all, but are afraid of investing in a relationship in case they pick and miss out on something. We want revelation which is greater understanding so if someone is talking or processing through something you think you already know, then you tune out or you try to explain it to them. And you say - skip your process, here's the answer. Unless you have something new for me, I don't care and your voice isn't important.


I have an intern and family group pastor but didn't feel engaged by them. They have the "you're strong and if you need anything you can come find me" approach. Which I understand, but doesn't really show me value - that I'm pursue-able.

As I left Redding, I thought it would improve on my mission trip. It was better at first but we have a lot of dominant personalities on my team. They mean well, but often feel their voice needs to be expressed - it seems. So there were times where someone would ask the question and i would answer 4 times sitting right next to them and they still wouldn't hear me. I wasn't speaking softly. I was just baffled at the fact of how much I didn't have a voice.

I've realized how much I've downplayed what I have to say. In groups. I won't talk; in conversations, I'll ask questions; on the Internet, I've stopped blogging; and I judge how good or important my thoughts are by how many re-tweets or likes I get. Each of them seem to be dwindling further pushing these thoughts.There's these thoughts in my head that says "If you've got something important to say, people will hear you."  Then there's the thought that "You can't demand respect, you must earn it." and "you can't request an ear to listen, you must prove you have something to say before someone will listen." Perhaps not. "If you've got something important to say, people will hear you."

I have to think about God on this one and see how He feels. I wonder if this season, these months, are impressing on me the heartache God has as He tries countless times to talk, to share, to encourage, to explain but no one will listen. He's not speaking softly, but is anyone listening for Him? Does anyone value Him enough to stop and turn and listen to Him and what He has to say? Of course He has something important and valuable to say. But people don't listen. People don't ask the right questions. Maybe they don't even ask questions. 

Part of my heart is to see people hear God for themselves. He died for relationship with us and communication is one of if not the biggest keys in a relationship. I can't imagine how frustrated or heartbroken God has to be at times when He tries to speak but no one listens. When no one values His voice. I wonder how many people actually want to hear from God? How many people trust His character enough to want it?

Then I must continue to the second thought: "You can't demand respect, you must earn it." and "You can't request an ear to listen, you must prove you have something to say before someone will listen."Well, you can't demand respect is true- but it has already been earned and proven because God 1) made you in His image giving you value, and 2) died for you raising the price even higher. So this statement is void naturally because if you think the way Gods structured life to be then people can't earn respect, they have already been given it.

The second statement has a similar comparison but can't be considered of equal logic or weight. You can request someone to listen. We want to be pursued or engaged and if you have good friends then you do have them who come and ask questions. But if you don't or your friends don't, then you sometimes need to state your needs. "hey, can I talk something out with you?" or "do you got a second? I need to process something." The second part of that statement is also void because you do have something to say. Again, you were created in the image and likeness of God so therefore you have a unique voice and expression. To not express yourself is to void the world of that expression of God. You don't need to prove you have something to say, you DO have something to say. You've got a voice and a message, a story and a season so don't think otherwise.

I guess as I process through this myself, I realize the thoughts I've been hearing are lies and I need to express my need for an ear to process. I need to express when someone cuts me off or doesn't listen to me. (odd to tell someone they're not listening - it's like giving a painting to a blind man.) I want to be aware of how to hear and engage other people well because I think it's what were missing. And I want to make sure that people can hear the voice of God for themselves - after all relationship is what He ransomed heaven for. And I pray that my voice is returned and people actually listen - because I don't feel like myself without my voice. Thanks for reading/listening to me recovering from my lost voice.