This isn't a blog series about separating what I want with what God wants. This blog series about understanding they're the same. A few quick passages to just set the standard:
"Delight yourself in the lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." -Psalms 34:7 (Aka: we've got new desires, the old evil ones have died, the new ones are good.)
"The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one." -John 17:22, see also v20-26
"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me." - Gal 2:20a
It's interesting as a husband loves his wife, his desires become more of what she desires. The wifes desires, as she loves her husband, becomes more of his desires. They begin to favor one another and what the other person enjoys doing and in so doing that - they actually enjoy the thing because it makes the other person happy. I just find this interesting that in loving relationships (romantic or not), you find yourself wanting what the other person wants. I had this event this morning...
It's been a rough week of mornings. Each morning as I wake up, I feel in a fog or haze and can't connect very well to God. Sometimes it breaks early and other times it takes an hour and half or so to break. Last night it came back again as I was going to bed and was here this morning as I woke up. I tried reading my Bible, focus, praying (although it was all over the place), I began trying to think of what I didn't do that I needed to do so that God would turn His affections towards me and I could connect with Him and share my affections with Him. Ever done that? I realized this was performance. I was trying to perform for His affections. So I rebuked the spirit of performance and it was as if the lights became brighter in the room. My heart could come up more and my mind engaged with the Word more. After a few chapters, I still felt kind of 'ehh.' So I put down my Bible and just started talking honestly.
God, I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of just getting up reading, reading, laying down. I get up and worship and I give what I have but I'm not connecting with you any more. I read more, I'm ministering to people, I'm pouring out, You're giving me words and pictures for people when I really seek after it, but it seems more like my life is a series of events (going from one to another) rather than just living life fully with you and things happening. I don't want to try so hard, I just want it to flow.
Then I realized, I had become/was becoming a minister rather than a son. I was doing everything I should do, but I was doing it rather than just being a son. My conversations with God were all about more of His Word or encouraging someone else, or differences in churches and how to help them - all good things, but I wasn't being real with God, i mean really real with God about what was going on inside. I was afraid to bring it up because I didn't have time to deal with it to get everything done - or I was just afraid of it.
I began singing "I Belong To You" by Derek Johnson and went to wash my hands. As I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt like God was saying, "I want to enjoy you. You are mine and I want to take some time to enjoy you." As my eyes danced around my face and neck I heard Him say, "I made that for a purpose. I made that for a purpose. I made that and for a purpose. " My neck. I made that. The mole on my neck. I made that and for a purpose. The beard hair on my cheek. I made that and for a purpose. The stray hairs of my mustache that needs trimmed. I made that one too. Everything I looked at good or what I saw as not as good, He said "I made that one too."
The big idea for the morning was, I made you. You are mine. You belong to me. I belong to you. We share each other. Slow down and enjoy me. Get to know me. I am yours so come and unpack that and just enjoy. You are mine so let me unpack and just marvel at you now and every layer and detail of you. You are mine and I want to discover you and each layer of you. (I know He knows every part of me already, but that's how it was explained because I'm discovering me and I love discovering and unpacking people and finding layers and layers of awesomeness and sweet mystery - thats what He was doing with me to me.) I left after about 4 minutes of doing this to continue reading my Bible but then felt the urge to go back. So I went back for another 5-10 minutes just staring at myself and enjoying God and letting Him unpack and peel back layers on me and show me every hair he made and likes it there. (BTW: This is big because normally, I look in the mirror and think "eh." and start thinking of things I would fix or correct or twist and change then hearing ideas of how good of looking others are or that I wasn't. So this is new!)
So if you get the chance, go stare at yourself in the mirror and just start unpacking your heart and let God show you what He thinks of you and how He's made you.
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